The Art of Losing Self

The Lord calls out... “Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want you!!! All of you!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to kill it! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them all over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart.” - C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

As I “Give up [my]self... [I]will find [my] real self. Lose [my] life... [I] will save it. Submit to death, death of [my]ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of [my]whole body and in the end submit with ever fiber of [my]being... [I]will find eternal life. [As I] Keep back nothing. Nothing that [I]have not given away will be really [mine]. Nothing in [me]that has not died will ever be raised from the dead...  [As I] look for Christ and [I]will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”  
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

-Alicia

Count On Me

A few times a year, I drive 45 min. north to pick up my 17 yr old niece from her dad's house to stay with us a few nights.  My kids begin jumping out of the doors of the car before I can even put it in park as they see Alexa coming down the apartment stairs.  They love it when she stays with us.  She's like a big sister to them.

Ever since she was three and her parents divorced, Alexa has spent many weekends with us. I've watched her as she's been dragged through so many relationships.  It's been difficult as her mother has moved from one boyfriend to the next (and one girlfriend when my sister tried an alternative lifestyle).  Both of Alexa's parents are very opposed to the teachings of the Church and openly express their reasoning why.  She has been raised with a steady diet of skepticism and anti-religion/anti-God sentiments.  I guess you could could say she's been planted in a "poor spot of ground." (Jacob 5:21-22)  But despite this fact and despite all odds, she has kept her senses about her and has searched for truth.  She has a firm belief in God and an innate desire to follow Him.  She has proven strong and spiritually aware through all these years.  I'm so thankful for the example she has been to my children of resilience, cheerfulness, and meek-like confidence.  I have grown so close to her, she has won my heart, and is definitely a part of me. I like to call her my "fifth child." I couldn't be more proud of who she has become.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to take Alexa with me to Texas to visit my younger brother.  One of the days we were there, we strolled through a gift shop.  In the corner of the room stood one of those metal spinning displays...  You know the ones with fridge magnets of boys and girls names attached to their meaning below?  I looked for each name in our little family and searched for Alexa's too.
I discovered Alexa is short for Alexandra and means "Helper of Man".  Excitedly I waved the little card at her and said, "Hey, did you know your name meant this?"
"No" she responded as she read the description in her hand.  "That's really cool!"
"Yeah it is! Because that's totally who you ARE!"
My brother interrupted, "You know, Alicia, I'm the one who named her?"
I smiled, "You did?"
"Yeah, when she was born, I told them they should name her Alexa and they did."
"How cool is that?! You chose well, Kenneth, because this fits her perfectly!"
He agreed.

Alexa stayed few nights with us this past April.  It was the usual routine of picking her up from her dad's and my kids leaping out of the car in excitement to see her.  She dished out multiple hugs and kisses and then hopped into the front seat next to me.  We hit the road back to my house and played for each other our latest and most current favorite song.
I'm not sure how legal it is to be behind the wheel breaking out in full dance moves while cruising 75 mph down the interstate but... well...  we were having fun.  ;)
Laughing at one another's expressions and singing at the top our lungs, we savored the moment!
Alexa scrolled through her playlist as she hooked up her cell phone to my stereo, "check this one out" she said.
I loved it instantly and it became a new favorite of mine.
I think I have a thousand favorites. ;)

-Alicia

Proving Faith, Patience, and Obedience

I discovered this clip from a talk by Elder Maxwell today.  These are some profound and beautiful thoughts:

....................................

"When we see things as they really were, really are, and really will be (see Jacob 4:13; D&C 93:24), dispensations are merely seasons, new friendships are but relationships resumed, and prophets sent forth on their errands from the Lord reflect associations which arc across the ages as they later rendezvous on mountaintops and hills, in woods, fields, groves, and even jails. (See Moses 1:1–2; Matt. 17:1–7; JS—H 1:14, 48–50; Acts 23:11.)

We are not now ready for all things the Lord has prepared in the City of God for them that love Him. (1 Cor. 2:9.) Our present eyes are unready for things which they have not yet seen, and our ears are not prepared for the transcending sounds and music of that city.

The trek will be proving and trying. Faith, patience, and obedience are essential (see Mosiah 23:21; Abr. 3:25), but he who completes the journey successfully will be immeasurably added upon. (see  Abr. 3:26.) And he who does not will have subtracted from the sum of his possibilities.
When we arrive home, we shall be weary and bruised. But at last our aching homesicknesses will cease. Meanwhile, our mortal homecomings are but faint foreshadowings of that Homecoming!
Brethren, these plain and precious doctrines restored in our time through the Prophet Joseph Smith are pulsating with perspective and are so light-intensive, like radioactive materials, that they must be handled with great care." - Neal A. Maxwell
....................................

One other quote I came across this afternoon...

"Why are we drawn to certain persons, and they to us, as if we had always known each other:  Is it a fact that we always have?  Is there something, after all, in that much abused term ;affinity; and is this the basis of its claim?  At all events, it is just as logical to look back upon fond associations, as it is to look forward to them.  We believe that ties formed in this life will be continued in the life to come; then why not believe that... some of them at least, have been resumed in this state of existence?"

 - Orson F. Whitney

Don't Give Up

I don't understand what it is like to be emotionally numb on a regular basis, to go day after day forcing a smile when it seems as if you have absolutely no feeling inside except for the feeling of hopelessness.  I'm grateful I don't suffer from chronic depression but my heart breaks for those who do.  I'm slowly learning that fixing it in others is truly beyond my reach.  Even still, I can continue to love with all that I have and hope it is making a difference in some small way!

This song goes out to my very close and very dear friend whose suffering I cannot comprehend.  I know the Savior comprehends all things though. Please don't give up.  Just one foot in front of the other... You are so much better and so much more than you think you are!

-Alicia

"You Are Loved"

by, Josh Groban

Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

When your heart's heavy

I will lift it for you

Don't give up

Because you want to be heard

If silence keeps you

I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't give up

It's just the hurt that you hide

When you're lost inside

I will be there to find you

Don't give up

Because you want to burn bright

If darkness blinds you

I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved

You are loved

Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up

Every one needs to be heard

You are loved

Take two and call me in the morning.

Several weeks ago, a friend of mine confided in me about some heavy burdens she was carrying.  Wearied and weighed down, she opened her heavy heart to me.  I listened to her sincerely and then told her about a couple of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talks that had been a great strength to me during my own times of need. (1 & 2)  I encouraged her to listen to both of them and jokingly said, "Take two and call me in the morning."

Though my physician reference was just for play, I was serious about the instruction.  She did listen to the talks and the next day called to thank me,
"Those were just what I needed!" she said with an audible relief in her tone.
I quickly responded, "Don't thank me.  I've been in the very same boat as you and all I did was share some of what got me through.  Thank our Father in Heaven that He has these 'glimpses of hope' provided for us during our burdensome journey."

...............

In that same spirit, I feel to share two verses and two songs for any other soul out there who might feel burdened or heavy-hearted:

Here are the two verses:

"I [the Lord] have heard [your] groaning... and I have remembered my covenant."

"Wherefore say unto [you], I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the burdens... and I will rid you out of [the] bondage, and I will redeem you with a stretched out arm..." - Exodus 6:6,7

Now here are the two songs...  Close your eyes and just listen.  I pray this brings a "glimpse of hope!"

PSALM 23

I testify that God is very aware of us and hears our every prayer.  "He is my strength and my song!"

He will carry us through every difficulty and lead us to green pastures.  I know this!

- Alicia :)

Beautiful Heartache

I truly believe that through Christ "I can do all things."  I was given a blessing when I was 16 where I was told that I would "be tested" in this life, that I would have some heartaches and would need the comforting influence of the scriptures, the teachings of Christ and of God, [my] Eternal Father, to strengthen [me] that [I] may pass through these trials as Job did, with flying colors and with comfort."

So many times I have read those words, "you will have some heartaches" and have assumed they would come in the form of a difficult home environment, accidents, or illness... you know, "trials!"  For some reason I've always associated "heartache" to be the kind of pain one would never wish for, the kind one would want removed from from their life.  I never imagined anything that could hurt so bad would be something I'd actually pray to keep.

Job was tested in ways I cannot even begin to comprehend. Nevertheless, he did not sacrifice his integrity.  I love that word "integrity!"  It is another way of saying Job remained true no matter the circumstance, no matter the cost and always praised the name of the Lord.

This blessing given to me in my teenage years promises that in such tests "[I] will conquest them and [I] will not sacrifice [my] integrity".  I seek to make certain that is fulfilled.

 Job endured countless "heartaches" the pain of which I cannot comprehend.  But look at what incredible faith it produced!  Ultimately, that is what I want... faith like Job!  The Lord was His ultimate source for strength and through Him he was able to "endure all things" without sinning or charging God foolishly. -  Job 1:22

 The promises given to me have held true. "The influence of the scriptures, the teachings of Christ and of God" truly have brought me comfort in such trials!!  I testify of their unfailing power. They have brought me solace and peace in all of my heartaches... including the ones I like to call "beautiful."

- Alicia 

.................

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through
Was the price that I paid to see this view
Now that I'm here I would never trade
The grace that I feel and the faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights
I used to pray He'd take it all away
But instead it became
A beautiful heartbreak

I never dreamed my heart would make it
And I thought about turning around
But Heaven has shown me miracles
I never would have seen from the ground
Now I take the rain with the sunshine
Cause there's one thing that I know
He picks up the pieces
Along each broken road

- Beautiful Heartbreak by, Hilary Weeks 

Alma 7:11  -  He Knows!

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire”  - Elder Orson F. Whitney

Learning CharACTer

When working through difficulties or particular challenges, how often have we heard the phrase, "This will be good for you, it builds character."

What is character?

It is the sum of the soul.  It is the qualities and attributes that make up one's personality, who they truly are. It is character that determines destiny, NOT appearances, prestige, popularity, or circumstance.  

How is character reveled within each of us?  Martin Luther King taught, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."  

In Lectures on Faith, Joseph Smith described that one of the three things "necessary in order that any rational and intelligent being may exercise faith in [the Father and Son] unto life and salvation is a correct idea of [Their] character, perfections, and attributes:" (page 33)

How do we gain a correct idea of the character of Christ?  We observe and study His life and His teachings... but there's more to learning than just studying, it must also be by faith. - D&C 109:7

"Faith is a principle of action... Faith in Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action."

 -Bible Dictionary 

There's an old saying that you never truly understand a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.  In order to understand the character of Christ, we must "walk a mile" in His shoes, we must try to be like Him in whatever circumstances.  Learning to walk in the footsteps of the Savior doesn't happen overnight.  The Lord is patient with us just as a father is patient with his children when they attempt to take their first steps.  Every time they stumble, he encourages them to keep trying and his heart is overjoyed with every success.  It requires constant effort and God is proud of all who are sincerely and genuinely doing their best.   

Learning the character of Christ requires acting out what we learn.  And in order to "act" out what we have learned from our great Teacher, we must be given circumstances that test us and try us.  Because of this knowledge, I am grateful for the challenges that confront me.  Challenges are opportunities for me to exercise my agency, to practice in faith/action what I have learned by study.  

Learning the CharACTer of Christ comes from acting as He would act, from practicing over and over what He would do.   

I am genuinely grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who is incredibly patient with me.  He doesn't scorn me when I stumble but sees it as a "good fall" because he sees my heart, He sees I'm trying.  The faith He places in me stirs within my soul a greater love and admiration for His character, I have a greater desire to become as He is.  So I'll keep learning, keep practicing, keep trying, and through His amazing grace, I won't just walk, I'll run!

"Live your life to be a good example of what you believe—in word and deed. How we live our religion is far more important than what we may say about our religion.

Our Savior’s Second Coming is drawing nearer. Let us not delay in this great cause. Remember Captain Moroni, who hoisted the title of liberty inscribed with the words “In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children.”  Let us remember the people’s response: exercising their agency, they “came running together” with a covenant to act.

My beloved brothers and sisters, don’t walk! Run! Run to receive the blessings of agency by following the Holy Ghost and exercising the freedoms God has given us to do His will." 

- Elder Robert D. Hales

(Also see - The transforming Power of Faith and Character by, Richard G. Scott)

One thing I really love about this video is it's not just a loving father who encourages but also loving brothers and sisters.  How thankful I am for my brothers and sisters in the Gospel who cheer and inspire me every step of the way. Oh how I love them!

-Alicia

Transitional Characters

Marco is a very bright young University student from Mexico. He was raised by a single mom and admitted the difficulties he has been through without a father in his life.  We sat by each other at a United Families International event last week.  The presenter spoke about fathers and how important they are in society as a whole.  As Marco heard the definition of a "transitional character",  he leaned over to me and said, "That's what I want to be."
I smiled and responded, "It looks like you are becoming one already."

"A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a linage.  The individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children.  They break the mold.  They refute the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults... Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own linage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives." (Broderick, 1988, p. 14)

Now Marco is not a member of my faith and there are somethings I wish I could have told him more about to be a tool for him in his life as he desires to be this "transitional character", to be a good father and good husband someday.  But in my trip to the United Nations, we weren't supposed to proselyte, so all the more I wanted to say I couldn't.  I wished I could have given him a "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet and directed him to the chapters, Entertainment & Media and Sexual Purity.  I sometimes wonder how often these things are taught in other religions.  It's so vital!  He will need to understand these things if he wants to be a good husband and father.

A few nights ago I drove a young 16-yr. old girl home from a youth activity.  We talked for nearly an hour as she described to me her broken life and how completely exhausting it is to be pulled and torn between the arguments of her separated parents and used like their pawn.  They haven't learned to communicate decently, let alone effectively.  Like 3-yr. olds they are constantly dragging her in as a third party to be the other's advocate.  Both parents are very toxic.  I encouraged her to be brave, that in the situations that do not involve her she must learn to repeat, "I'm sorry but this is not my issue, this is yours.  You need to work this out between each other.  I have to stay out of it."

Then I asked her a question, "Do you believe you can learn from your parents poor behavior."
"I can learn what NOT to do" she said.
"Very good! That's exactly right," I agreed.  "You can be a transitional character, a chain-breaker.  You can refuse to be a part of the statistics and say in your mind, 'all of this ends with me.  I'm not passing this down to my children!' Next time your parents fight and scream at each other, I want you to pay close attention to the kinds of words they use, the tone of voice, and those things that seem to escalate the arguments.  Write them down if you have to and tell yourself, 'I'm going to practice the exact opposite of these things.'  Refuse to be pulled into their childish bickering. It's not right and it's not fair to you."

I encouraged her to call me if she needed a friend to talk to, any time, day or night. Ultimately though, I testified that the most important Person to call upon is our Father in Heaven.  I testified to her of prayer and how it has gotten me through so many dark days.  My life growing up wasn't near as difficult as hers is but there were many times during my teenage years where I felt frustrated, heartbroken and completely alone. I wanted so desperately to feel security in my own home but instead everything felt raw and vulnerable, as if something could shatter at any given moment.  I learned to cry to my Father in Heaven, to pour out my soul to Him and lay out every piece and fragment of my heart.  He answered my prayers.  He showed me LOVE and in a miraculous way His love seemed to fill all the voids, the gaping wounds, the fractures, and holes in my soul.  I became a new person through Christ.  He changed me, He transitioned my character! He became my Father and I found in Him, I could do all things.  I told my young friend that she is not meant to carry this weight alone and encouraged her to make the choice daily to turn to her Eternal Father and she would have everything she could possibly need through life.

"Know then that every soul is free,
To choose his life and what he'll be"
- Hymn 240

- Alicia

As a "Keeper of the Hearth"

"I know of no better answer to [the] foul practices that confront our young people than the teachings of a mother, given in love with an unmistakable warning... No one can calculate the tremendous force for good that you can become. You are the keepers of the hearth. You are the managers of the home...I charge you to stand tall and be strong in defense of those great virtues which have been the backbone of our social progress." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

One of the biggest threats to the family is the devastatingly destructive drug of pornography.  If we as mothers are to be "the keepers of the hearth" we must educate our children about this pernicious evil.  Mothers and fathers must be vigilant in filtering the images and messages that come into their homes through music and media and help their children choose wisely.

"You live in a world of terrible temptations. Pornography, with its sleazy filth, sweeps over the earth like a horrible, engulfing tide. It is poison. Do not watch it or read it. It will destroy you if you do. It will take from you your self-respect. It will rob you of a sense of the beauties of life. It will tear you down and pull you into a slough of evil thoughts and possibly of evil actions. Stay away from it. Shun it as you would a foul disease, for it is just as deadly." -  President Gordon B. Hinckley

Each time a person chooses to view pornography, it eats away at their true identity and the true identity of others, especially those closest to them.

"Research has found that after men are exposed to pornography, they rate themselves as less in love with their partner than men who didn’t see any porn. On top of that, another study found that after being exposed to pornographic images, people were more critical of their partner’s appearance, sexual curiosity, sexual performance, and displays of affection"
 - See more at: http://fightthenewdrug.org/porn-kills-love-2/#sthash.PPxsfbtR.dpuf

It's interesting to me that in a society, where their is so much spouse and child abuse, we have these extremely well-funded agencies and organizations that insist on pushing what they call "sexual rights".  They go so far as to DEFEND the multi-billion dollar porn industry under this "right". These people have no interest in parental rights and  they refuse to defend or protect the traditional family, and in fact see it as a threat.  They insist the solution is in teaching "safe sex".  Imagine the difference these organizations could make if they focused on educating abstinence before marriage and fidelity after.

These things are extremely agonizing and difficult for me to think about.

I find strength and hope to see their ARE groups and organizations coming together in a coalition to make the truth be told.  I pray for the youth of this world, for the fathers and mothers.  I pray for a return to virtue, human dignity, and responsibility.
- Alicia

When the Bee Stings

"When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad." - Sound of Music -Favorite Things

Only a few days ago, I mentioned how many of my friends have felt the buffetings of the adversary in their homes as they've prepared to leave on this trip.  I said how grateful I was that I haven't felt that, at least not in my relationships.

However, these last couple of days, I think I realize that I too have been buffeted more than usual.  Thoughts of inadequacy and inferiority have slowly been trickling in until finally I'm over my head in pool of counterproductive thinking...from how I parent, how I keep house, how I communicate with my teenager, how I look, how I dress, how unrefined, uncultured, and unlearned I feel... You name it, the adversary has thrown just about every fast-ball at me possible in this self-defeating arena... And it stings!

Still whirling from the punches this morning, I got up and brushed myself off.  It was time for me to bring out some of my favorite things!

I began my morning with prayer and scriptures, I searched in the Young Women's lessons for this month and found "Grace" as one of the topics and studied that.  Perfect timing!  I dove back through the pages of my Henry Drummond book re-read the chapter Pax Vobiscum (Peace to You) all about burdens and rest.  I even did a little "What About Bob" style of self-affirmation, "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful." (Just kidding, I didn't do that but I thought about the scene.)

And then...

...I turned up the beat to my favorite fast songs and danced my way through the tasks of the morning.  Ahhh, what a refreshing breath of relief.  I feel better already.  :)

-Alicia

Must Be Opposition In All Things

I gave a lesson for the young women of my Church last Sunday.  We also used it as a family lesson the following night.  This whole month I have been thinking of the talks that were suggested in the lesson plan and the quotes that were referenced therein.

The first quote is by President Spencer W. Kimball
"There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, 'Give me this mountain,' give me these challenges."

I asked the young women and my children the same question:
"Why do you think President Kimball wants 'these challenges'?  Notice, not only does he want them but he says he 'welcome[s] that exciting prospect'.  What is he, nuts? Why would someone call challenges exciting?"

Our current Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson shared the other thing I've been thinking of all month.  He read a portion of this poem I've heard many times before.

Good Timber

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

-Douglas Malloch

An ancient prophet in the New Testament also shared his testimony of joy and beauty through adversity, "No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grevious: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." - Hebrews 12:11

All three of these righteous men are testifying that beautiful, "joyous", "peaceable", wonderful things come out of pressing through our opposition, through our adversity.

Joseph Smith was another who had trials I cannot even begin to fathom.
He received this promise in Liberty Jail, "if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." - D&C 122:7

It's that word, "EXPERINCE" that strikes me, what we learn, what we gain, what we come to know as we go through and faithfully endure these challenges.  These prophets who have shared the beauty that can come of opposition are speaking from their own experiences.  I believe they know what it is first hand to cry out with the most soulful tears, with heart-wrenching agony over the sorrows that dig trenches in their hearts. They know what it means to pray and to "pray more earnestly".  They have anxiously sought for answers through the scriptures and turned to the word of the Lord for guidance.  And I am certain that every one of them have in their searching for answers, hope, and healing came to appreciate more fully the One Who carried all our suffering and descended below all things.

All of these ingredients: "soulful prayer", "serious study of the scriptures," and "seeking the Savior" work in us something amazing and beautiful.  It opens up our hearts to receive His Spirit and as we receive this Spirit within us we are changed into "new creatures".  Through this process, we witness over and over again the reality of God because we see undeniable, direct answers to our prayers.  We feel and experience for ourselves the reality of heaven.  This mountain we have climbed, however painful, has opened our "vision".  We see the bigger picture now, not just for our own lives but for others as well.  We WANT to "lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feebled knees." We have become converted, transformed, with new eyes, a new heart, and a new Spirit within us!  Like Jacob, our faith becomes "unshakeable".

I can see clearly from my own experiences why President Kimball said, "'Give me this mountain,' give me these challenges."  Through my adversities I have come to know my Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.  Through these trials I have gained an appreciation for the strong shoulders of my Savior.  He is able!!!  I have found that this is the way to eternal life.  This is the fruit of the tree.  And a testimony like this worth every effort for it is "sweet above all that is sweet."

I humbly thank my Father for His infinite wisdom. And I am deeply thankful that He loves me enough to provide for me opposition and challenges. I too, welcome them.

-Alicia

I want patience, and I want it now!

I'm in Mosiah 23 in my personal studies.  I came across this verse yesterday,
"...the Lord seeth fit to chasten [you, Alicia]; yea, He trieth [your] patience and [your] faith."

Yep, that's exactly how I read it, with my own name in there and everything.  As I did so, another scripture came into my mind in a personal way,

"For [you, Alicia] have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise."

I feel like saying, "I know, Lord, I know.  I am terribly impatient!  So how about imparting that gift of patience to me right now eh?!  ;) "

I came into this world seven weeks before I was due, so I guess you could say I was born impatient.
I was the little girl who on family vacations would need my parents to pull off to the side of the road every 20 minutes so I could pee.
 I'm the girl who took piano from age 6 to 12 and have nothing to show for it because I  didn't have the patience to keep practicing. (I remember spending more time hanging upside-down on the piano bench with my feet on the keys, staring out at the living room, imagining myself walking on the ceiling).
When I was seven, I couldn't contain emotions around my childhood crush any longer, I tackled him, pinned his arms to the ground and planted a ginormous kiss on his face (then I ran and hid).
When I was sixteen, I pulled into a Chevron with a car full of my drama friends, I was so excited to go to the cast party with everyone that I forgot to put the nozzle back on the pump, drove away, and ripped it clean off the hose. (My friends still haven't let me live that down.  You should have seen the clerks face when I handed him the nozzle. Priceless!!)
And I can't even begin to list all the books I've read only half-way through because I was too impatient to finish them.
The one that takes the cake though is that it took exactly 16 weeks for me to marry my husband.  Yep, exactly 16 weeks from the very first date (blind date) to the day of our wedding.  (And anyone who knows my husband will know that making fast decisions, especially in regards to really big decisions, are NOT in his nature.)

Yes, I'm in desperate need of patience.  *Sigh*

The words from my favorite talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland rings in my ears:

"It is simply a truism that nothing very valuable can come without significant sacrifice and effort and patience on our part....

Troilus, whose impatient love for Cressida makes him something of a basket case, teaches us a valuable lesson. 
“He that will have a cake out of the wheat must tarry the grinding,” Pandarus says to Troilus. 
“Have I not tarried?” Troilus pouts.

Pandarus: Ay, the grinding; but you must tarry the bolting.

Troilus: Have I not tarried?

Pandarus: Ay, the bolting; but you must tarry the leavening.

Troilus: Still have I tarried?

Pandarus: Ay, to the leavening; but here’s yet . . . the kneading, the making of the cake, the heating of the oven, and the baking; nay, you must stay the cooling too, or you may chance to burn your lips.

[Troilus and Cressida, act 1, scene 1, lines 14ff]

The baking of life’s best cakes takes time. Don’t despair of tarrying and trying. And don’t “burn your lips” with impatience."  - Jeffery R. Holland - (However Long and Hard the Road)

It is true, the best things take time.  I can pray for patience but the Lord cannot give it to me.  Patience is not something to be given but to be grown.  However, He can give me experiences that will help me cultivate this wonderful virtue.  I'll admit that some of the experiences He gives are extremely painful.  It makes sense though," no pain / no gain." A blessing I've discovered is that the Lord can enable me to feel grateful in the present moments, the waiting isn't so hard and time goes by so much faster when "I'm anxiously engaged in [the best] causes."

Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained in a powerful talk "Endure It Well",
"Paul observed, “Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness.” (Heb. 12:11.) Such “peaceable fruit” comes only in the appointed season thereof, after the blossoms and the buds.

Otherwise, if certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change. (See Alma 32:13–16.)

Patient endurance is to be distinguished from merely being “acted upon.” Endurance is more than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to “act for ourselves” by magnifying what is allotted to us. (See Alma 29:3, 6.)"

We must always remember that we are in the process of becoming something so much more.  We must make a strong effort to "give thanks in all things" and avoid becoming bitter when the road is long. We press ahead, and we do so with songs of praise every step of the way.

"Therefore, true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z. To endure in faith and doeth God’s will. (See D&C 63:20; D&C 101:35) therefore involves much more than putting up with a circumstance." - Neal A. Maxwell

I believe that circumstances don't determine our happiness rather the truly happy make a conscious decision to choose happiness regardless of their circumstances.  And I believe the key to this is enduring faith and gratitude.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.

I am truly thankful for all the Lord gives me so that I may grow patience.  I know the fruit born of it will be that of the sweetest kind and it will be well worth the wait. Isaiah 40:31

-Alicia

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

On February 12, 2007 my friend, lost his wife in a tragic and horrific way.  A gunman open-fired at a shopping mall in downtown Salt Lake City killing five and wounding four.

So many people knew about this tragedy because it was all over the news.  Family, friends, ward members, and neighbors reached out to my friend.  Even complete strangers offered to help him.  He was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support he received at that time.  It truly sustained him.

In the summer of that same year, my husband and I had the privilege of going to the Holy Land with my friend.  He remarried not long after that trip and moved to Texas. He took on two step-children and had two more with his new wife. Through the next few years, we would get updates from him via the occasional Christmas card.  Everything looked picture-perfect and it seemed as if it all was going wonderful for him.

Last October, a couple of days before General Conference, my friend came into my mind.  I never thought about him and wondered why he just popped into my head like that.  Then Saturday afternoon, between Conference sessions, I got a message through Facebook from my friend asking if I would pray for him.  A second message came through immediately after the first asking if he could call me.  We never talk over the phone, so I was a little surprised by his request.  I messaged back my number and a few minutes later the phone rang.  I could hear the distress in his voice when I answered.  As he spoke, I remembered how I had thought about him just a few days before... this must have been why.

He proceeded to tell me how his wife that he had remarried had slowly stopped going to church, eventually started drinking wine, and now had rejected her Temple covenants.  He told me of all the efforts he had made to try and save their dying relationship.  I sat in stunned silence and just listened as he bawled over the phone, pouring out his soul to me.  Between deep sobs he said, "Alicia, this is far more difficult for me than I could ever have imagined, even harder than the tragedy that took my first wife."  I didn't know what to say.  I have never heard a man cry so hard as he was and it pulled on my heart.  As I continued to listen, I couldn't hold back the tears and I wept with him for nearly an hour.  I felt so helpless and it pained me that there was nothing more that I could do.  I know he didn't expect that there was anything I could say.  I think he just needed to talk to someone who knew his back-story and someone who would listen.

By the time our conversation had ended, the second session for Saturday's conference was starting.  I sat down on the couch, still stunned from everything my poor friend had told me.  Through the next few talks, I couldn't shake the feeling of wishing there was more I could have done, more I could have said... anything more than just crying with him, bearing my testimony, and promising my prayers.

.....

Then Elder Holland got up and spoke the words I truly needed to hear:

"Given the monumental challenge of addressing inequity in the world, what can one man or woman do? The Master Himself offered an answer. When, prior to His betrayal and Crucifixion, Mary anointed Jesus’s head with an expensive burial ointment, Judas Iscariot protested this extravagance and “murmured against her.”

Jesus said:

“Why trouble ye her? she hath wrought a good work. … “She hath done what she could.”

“She hath done what she could”! What a succinct formula! A journalist once questioned Mother Teresa of Calcutta about her hopeless task of rescuing the destitute in that city. He said that, statistically speaking, she was accomplishing absolutely nothing. This remarkable little woman shot back that her work was about love, not statistics."  - Jeffrey R. Holland 

.....

I felt as if the Lord, Himself, was telling me, "It's okay, Alicia, you have done what you could." I said a silent prayer of gratitude, that was just what I needed in the perfect moment.

Since that day, I have pondered much about that phone call with my friend and what he said about this other situation being harder to deal with than the shooting.  In the first situation, everything happened suddenly and without warning and the sorrow that accompanied it was a sadness that involved the temporary loss of physical life. There was also a large outpouring of community and family support, plenty of people who knew of his loss who reached out to him. Yet, in this other situation, it happened over a long period of time, very few people knew of his suffering and this involved a sorrow of watching someone he loved die a slow and spiritual death, one of their own choosing.

How many suffer like my friend? It's such a lonely road! How very few people realize the burdens that they carry and the losses of Life (with a capital "L") they are facing daily?  Trials like these aren't all over the news, in fact, when people experience the loss of a family member in this manner, very few if any even realize the heartaches and struggles deep beneath the surface.  Here my friend was telling me, "Alicia, this is far more difficult!"

What if we had eyes to see, ears to hear, and hearts to understand?  Would the Lord show us where "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see," If we asked Him, would he show us who needs our love and support?  I believe He would and that He does.

I have another dear friend who not only carries the burdens of his own life (which are currently some of the most heavy burdens I have ever seen) he also carries the burdens of an entire congregation. I have yet to meet anyone with a heart as big as his.  His burden is so heavy because he loves so greatly! It is an immense and heavy load he bears, one that would crush most anyone else and yet I know that "the salvation of [this] righteous [man] is of the Lord: He is [his] strength in [this] time of trouble." Psalms 37:39

Joseph Smith taught a great truth when he said, “The nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on [suffering] souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their [burdens on] our backs”
I get that!  I totally get that!

I remember being a little girl and playing records on my mom's stereo. There is one particular song that I absolutely loved and still do!!  It makes me think of my dear brother and these scriptures, Psalms 55:22, Galatians 6:2, and Mosiah 18:8-9.  I think this will be my song for today. ;)

-Alicia :)

I give it all in surrender.

"Lift My Life Up" by, Unspoken
.......

You brought me this far so why would I question You now

You have provided so why would I start to doubt

I've never been stranded, abandoned or left here to fight alone

So I'm giving You control

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord I leave it in Your hands

I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me

Have Your way in me

If peace is a river then let it sweep over me

If I'm under fire I know it's refining me

When I hear You calling out I follow now wherever the road may go

I know You're leading me home

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord I leave it in Your hands

I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me

Have Your way in me

Take my life and let it be all for You

Take my life and let it be all for You

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

(Take my life)

I lift my life, lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

(Take my heart)

I lift my heart, lift my heart up

You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord I leave it in Your hands

I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way with me

Have Your way with me

Have Your way with me

Have Your way with me

Take my life and let it be all for You

........

"Every one of us is more beloved to the Lord than we can possibly understand or imagine. Let us therefore be kinder to one another and kinder toward ourselves. Let us remember that as we wait upon the Lord, we are becoming “saint[s] through [His] atonement, … submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.”^{36 - Elder Robert D. Hales - Waiting upon the Lord: Thy will be done}

God Will Lift Us Up

We all face adversity. It is the common thread among the entire human family.  It is part of our mortal probation.  Some struggles and challenges may be obvious to others while some may be silent battles fought in the solitary chambers of the heart.  However this adversity comes is not what matters most, but rather how we come out of it.  God will test us and try us to prove our faithfulness.

 Sometimes the tests we face will come in ways that we never would have expected, and in such circumstances we may discover weaknesses we never realized we had.  How painful these discoveries can be!  But it is a loving Father who shows us them.  We might question our ability to endure and endure faithfully.  Regardless of how much we doubt our own abilities, the spiritual stamina we seek will grace us as we submit to the Lord and surrender our will to His.  

Our most difficult challenges may come at the realization that what we so desperately want for ourselves may not be what the Lord wants for us.  If this is the case, then so be it.  "Greater is He that is in [us]." He will lift us up.  Do we believe this?   He will lead us right.  We can trust this truth with full faith and confidence and do as Elder Holland has said; 

"Go forward. Don’t fear, don’t vacillate, don’t quibble, don’t whine... With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, “...Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!” (D&C 128:22).

I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored, just as we have sung and testified this morning.

“Fear ye not.” And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, “fear ye not. . . . The Lord shall fight for you.” “Cast not away therefore your confidence.”

This video was on the Young Women lesson page.  I love the promises the apostles give in this clip.  I believe these promises with all of my soul.  

I also love this girl's incredible example of facing her challenges in such a way that she grows greater in love, greater in compassion, greater in patience, and ultimately greater in Christ.  I want that kind of heart!

-Alicia

12 Things I Believe

Twelve Things I Believe

I believe in FIGHTING...

With everything I've got to keep my family together.

I believe in HATING...

The sin and not the sinner.

I believe in GIVING UP...

Trying to predict the future, and instead,

Embrace every moment I'm given here and now.

I believe in DYING...

That I might live through Christ.

I believe in FEAR...

Of God and God alone -

For fear of man only breeds cowardice, jealousy, and greed.

I believe in QUITTING...

Any habits that erode my agency & sense of self-worth,

Or anyone else's for that matter.

I believe in SURRENDERING...

My will to God's will, He sees the bigger picture.

I believe TRAGEDY...

Can lead to triumph.

I believe HEARTBREAK...

Can lead to healing.

I believe DARKNESS...

Has no power over light.

I believe in MY PAIN...

I can learn empathy and compassion for others.

I believe I AM NOTHING...

On my own and in my own strength, I am weak,

But through Christ, I can do all things.

-Alicia Rawlins

The Will of the Lord

It's funny how the Lord tutors...  how I can be having patterns of thought and begin to dismiss them as my own but then open the scriptures or text from a sermon and have it be exactly what I have been pondering already.  I say "it's funny" because it feels me with so much gratitude for how aware the Lord is of us that I can't help but laugh for joy.

I've been thinking a lot about adversity and pain and how they are the gateway to glory and beauty. You can't have one without the other. "There must be opposition in all things." Even last Friday night, I listened to a gentleman instruct a group of us on the compound nature of God, that even our Father in Heaven feels great love and great pain at the same moment. He sighted Moses 7:28-32 and noted that God wept because He loved so deeply, that it pained Him to see His children separate themselves from each other and from Him.

This last Sunday too, it seemed in every single sermon, someone said something that coincided exactly with my personal studies of these recent days.

Then this morning, I decided to open up the lessons in Young Women's for February.  I glanced over the topics lower down on the list since I would be teaching later in the month.  The heading "Why do we have adversity?" naturally stood out to me because it has been so present in my mind.
There, I opened to that topic, and low-and-behold, one of the talks was entitled, "Mountains to Climb". I couldn't help but smile because I had just written about that in my post from yesterday.

This kind of coinciding is not mere coincidence to me.  It's this very synchronizing and harmonizing that becomes solid evidence my prayers are heard and that "God is in His heaven and all's right with the world." - Browning

With that in mind, let me go back to my focus on struggle and adversity, hope and healing:
When we think of adversity, it's easy to imagine the kind that happens outwardly, in our physical lives: persecution, physical limitations, tragedies, illness, disease, loss of property, or loss of loved ones. This is the kind that most likely comes to our mind first.

I believe, though, that the greatest adversity we will ever struggle with is deep within our hearts, unseen to almost all around us and possibly even hidden to those we live with.  And what is this great struggle I speak of?  It is in the submission of our own will to our Father in Heaven that brings the greatest heartache.  It is in surrendering the thing that we are least willing to give up.  Letting go fully and completely what we want and desire so desperately to the realization that it may not be what the Lord wants for us.  The process of laying down "our will" may very well be more painful, more heart-wrenching, and more agonizing than the laying down to the grave our loved ones. This is bold for me to say but could it be possible?  Yes, and upon such realization, it may surprise us.  Christ gave the perfect example of full submission to the Father all throughout His life right up to the final test when the pain was so great that it caused him to be sore amazed .  He called out "My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death." Then with perfect humility He prayed, "Not my will, but thine be done."

We must remember it is in learning this kind of submission, learning meekness, laying down our will (what we most desperately want) and taking up instead what the Lord wants, trusting wholly and completely that He knows best. This sweet surrender is where we come to find rest to our souls. This is the essence of faith at its fullest.  Here we can be at peace knowing that God truly hears our heartfelt pleadings and will provide the very best outcome for us, whatever and whenever that may be.

In the grand design of things, there really is nothing to fear, for that which is of God is eternal and that which is bound eternally can never be broken. It is an irrevocable law of the universe. This temporal sphere is such a small sliver of what is to be seen. One day there will come the unveiling of a much greater and glorious picture.  We do not see what God sees or know what He knows.  Nevertheless, "He Knows" therefore, I pray with all of my heart and soul "Lead kindly Light... I do not ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/10/lead-kindly-light?lang=eng

-Alicia

They That Wait

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

For the last few days this scripture continues to impress upon my mind.  I've been pondering what it means to "wait upon the Lord".  Perhaps the reason I've been thinking about this is related to the two funerals I've attended in the past week.

Waiting is woven into the fabric of our daily lives.  It helps us develop the glorious virtue of patience.  But it can be oh so painful... especially when that waiting means we will be separated for a time from someone we dearly love, either in death or in the necessary paths of living.  It's a truth, "The only way to take the sorrow out of death [or parting] is to take love out of life." -Russell M. Nelson -  Hearts sewn together with threads of the purest kind are bound to feel sorely torn at parting. This pain, however, is as needful as the prize.  For we would never know the sweet if we did not taste the bitter. "Time goes by so slowly and time can do so much." - Unchained Melody

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." - Psalms 30:5
Those who wait are those who hope even despite all odds, They stay because they truly believe in what will come.

Yes, "time can do so much" for it is that channel all things must flow through in order to grow and progress. Time is the essence of mortal life but it is only to be passed through for we are not bound to it.  We are creatures of eternity.

Night must fall and trail our sky
Before the dawn of each new day.
The shadows of the eventide
Break and fade from morning ray.
A seed that's planted in the ground
Pushes through black of soil,
Through time, through love, and faith unbound,
Through sweat, and tears, and toil
Springing forth, grown to a tree,
Its branches touch the sun.
And time is now a memory
Within this story spun.
- Alicia Rawlins
 
Waiting upon the Lord means promising never to forget Him.  It means keeping Him always and forever in our hearts, always anticipating the day we will again see him face to face and feel His loving embrace.

Those who wait are those who keep hope alive, even despite all odds.  They stay the course, never drifting, because they truly believe in what will come.

"Test and trials are give to all of us.  These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son.  He already knows, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, 'all these things shall [be for our] experience, and... [our] good." 

Does this mean we will always understand our challenges?  Won't all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?' Yes!  When a spouse dies, a companion will wonder.  When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask.  When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow." - Robert D. Hales

When I think of being carried as "on the wings of eagles", I think of the strong steady shoulders of my Father in Heaven.

This song "Shoulders" by, "For King and Country" is absolutely beautiful and gives me strength.  Its message is true and because I know this, I can humbly accept the Lord's will and timing in my life whatever it may be.

"Shoulders" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40wYfjv6yt8

"When confusion's my companion
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near
When I'm caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
‘Cause I know that You are near
My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh Your mercy is relentless
My help is from You
Don't have to see it to believe it
My help is from you
Don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true"

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13

-Alicia

He Knows!

"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, 

All ye that hope in the Lord."

- Psalms 31:24

"He Knows"

All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows


"Cling to your faith. Hold on to your hope. 'Pray always, and be believing.' Indeed, as Paul wrote of Abraham, he 'against [all] hope believed in hope' and 'staggered not … through unbelief.' He was 'strong in faith' and was 'fully persuaded that, what [God] had promised, he was able … to perform.'

Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, 
For He is the very source of the light you seek. 
He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. 
He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed."

 - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (An High Priest of Good Things to Come)