Marco is a very bright young University student from Mexico. He was raised by a single mom and admitted the difficulties he has been through without a father in his life. We sat by each other at a United Families International event last week. The presenter spoke about fathers and how important they are in society as a whole. As Marco heard the definition of a "transitional character", he leaned over to me and said, "That's what I want to be."
I smiled and responded, "It looks like you are becoming one already."
"A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a linage. The individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults... Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own linage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives." (Broderick, 1988, p. 14)
Now Marco is not a member of my faith and there are somethings I wish I could have told him more about to be a tool for him in his life as he desires to be this "transitional character", to be a good father and good husband someday. But in my trip to the United Nations, we weren't supposed to proselyte, so all the more I wanted to say I couldn't. I wished I could have given him a "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet and directed him to the chapters, Entertainment & Media and Sexual Purity. I sometimes wonder how often these things are taught in other religions. It's so vital! He will need to understand these things if he wants to be a good husband and father.
A few nights ago I drove a young 16-yr. old girl home from a youth activity. We talked for nearly an hour as she described to me her broken life and how completely exhausting it is to be pulled and torn between the arguments of her separated parents and used like their pawn. They haven't learned to communicate decently, let alone effectively. Like 3-yr. olds they are constantly dragging her in as a third party to be the other's advocate. Both parents are very toxic. I encouraged her to be brave, that in the situations that do not involve her she must learn to repeat, "I'm sorry but this is not my issue, this is yours. You need to work this out between each other. I have to stay out of it."
Then I asked her a question, "Do you believe you can learn from your parents poor behavior."
"I can learn what NOT to do" she said.
"Very good! That's exactly right," I agreed. "You can be a transitional character, a chain-breaker. You can refuse to be a part of the statistics and say in your mind, 'all of this ends with me. I'm not passing this down to my children!' Next time your parents fight and scream at each other, I want you to pay close attention to the kinds of words they use, the tone of voice, and those things that seem to escalate the arguments. Write them down if you have to and tell yourself, 'I'm going to practice the exact opposite of these things.' Refuse to be pulled into their childish bickering. It's not right and it's not fair to you."
I encouraged her to call me if she needed a friend to talk to, any time, day or night. Ultimately though, I testified that the most important Person to call upon is our Father in Heaven. I testified to her of prayer and how it has gotten me through so many dark days. My life growing up wasn't near as difficult as hers is but there were many times during my teenage years where I felt frustrated, heartbroken and completely alone. I wanted so desperately to feel security in my own home but instead everything felt raw and vulnerable, as if something could shatter at any given moment. I learned to cry to my Father in Heaven, to pour out my soul to Him and lay out every piece and fragment of my heart. He answered my prayers. He showed me LOVE and in a miraculous way His love seemed to fill all the voids, the gaping wounds, the fractures, and holes in my soul. I became a new person through Christ. He changed me, He transitioned my character! He became my Father and I found in Him, I could do all things. I told my young friend that she is not meant to carry this weight alone and encouraged her to make the choice daily to turn to her Eternal Father and she would have everything she could possibly need through life.
"Know then that every soul is free,
To choose his life and what he'll be"
- Hymn 240
- Alicia
No comments:
Post a Comment