They That Wait

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

For the last few days this scripture continues to impress upon my mind.  I've been pondering what it means to "wait upon the Lord".  Perhaps the reason I've been thinking about this is related to the two funerals I've attended in the past week.

Waiting is woven into the fabric of our daily lives.  It helps us develop the glorious virtue of patience.  But it can be oh so painful... especially when that waiting means we will be separated for a time from someone we dearly love, either in death or in the necessary paths of living.  It's a truth, "The only way to take the sorrow out of death [or parting] is to take love out of life." -Russell M. Nelson -  Hearts sewn together with threads of the purest kind are bound to feel sorely torn at parting. This pain, however, is as needful as the prize.  For we would never know the sweet if we did not taste the bitter. "Time goes by so slowly and time can do so much." - Unchained Melody

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." - Psalms 30:5
Those who wait are those who hope even despite all odds, They stay because they truly believe in what will come.

Yes, "time can do so much" for it is that channel all things must flow through in order to grow and progress. Time is the essence of mortal life but it is only to be passed through for we are not bound to it.  We are creatures of eternity.

Night must fall and trail our sky
Before the dawn of each new day.
The shadows of the eventide
Break and fade from morning ray.
A seed that's planted in the ground
Pushes through black of soil,
Through time, through love, and faith unbound,
Through sweat, and tears, and toil
Springing forth, grown to a tree,
Its branches touch the sun.
And time is now a memory
Within this story spun.
- Alicia Rawlins
 
Waiting upon the Lord means promising never to forget Him.  It means keeping Him always and forever in our hearts, always anticipating the day we will again see him face to face and feel His loving embrace.

Those who wait are those who keep hope alive, even despite all odds.  They stay the course, never drifting, because they truly believe in what will come.

"Test and trials are give to all of us.  These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son.  He already knows, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, 'all these things shall [be for our] experience, and... [our] good." 

Does this mean we will always understand our challenges?  Won't all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?' Yes!  When a spouse dies, a companion will wonder.  When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask.  When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow." - Robert D. Hales

When I think of being carried as "on the wings of eagles", I think of the strong steady shoulders of my Father in Heaven.

This song "Shoulders" by, "For King and Country" is absolutely beautiful and gives me strength.  Its message is true and because I know this, I can humbly accept the Lord's will and timing in my life whatever it may be.

"Shoulders" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40wYfjv6yt8

"When confusion's my companion
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near
When I'm caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
‘Cause I know that You are near
My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh Your mercy is relentless
My help is from You
Don't have to see it to believe it
My help is from you
Don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true"

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13

-Alicia

"His Priesthood and His Church"

As I put "The Living Christ" into memory, I noticed that not only did I feel the witness of Jesus Christ's Divine mission but I felt a powerful and undeniable witness that Joseph Smith is the Prophet of the restoration and that we have prophets on the earth today. 

In "The Living Christ" I love the way Joseph Smith describes the attributes of the Savior from first-hand experience; His eyes, His hair, His countenance, and His voice. Wow, can you imagine what that would have been like? I long for that day! But even here and now, I believe I have seen glimpses of my Savior in the faces of those who love Him, and I can only imagine all of that beauty and glory combined billions of times over into one being.  There would be no strength for me to stand.  I would fall to my face and my heart would sing, "Oh, love effulgent, love Divine! What debt of gratitude is mine!"

 His Spirit bears witness to me about the wonderful gift we have been given to have apostles who speak and testify in Christ's name and authority today. The sentence, "We bear testimony as His duly ordained apostles that Jesus is the Living Christ", brings peace into my heart. I can't think of a time in all human history where the world has had greater need for prophets and apostles on the earth than now.

Gethsemane 2007

In the summer of 2007 my friend, Nathan, took me and my husband with him to the Holy Land.   There, I "walked the roads of Palestine." I strolled the streets of Bethlehem, I waded in the waters of Galilee, prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, gazed upon the hill of Calvary, and sang hymns in the empty tomb. Words are not sufficient to describe what an experience that was!

But, do you know where I felt the Spirit the strongest? 

Surprisingly, that overwhelming Spirit that causes your heart to leap inside your chest and heaven wash over your entire soul, was felt the most as I walked into sacrament meeting at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I felt as if I stood inside the Temple. The design of the room was unlike any other. I entered from the back of the chapel, the seats were in an steep theater style so the podium where the sacrament talks are given was down at the bottom of the room in front of me like on a stage. Behind where the podium stood, there was no solid wall, choir seats, or organ pipes like we often see. Instead, it was all glass, an open window to the world and, you could see from any point a perfect panoramic view of the Old City, Jerusalem. 

Also from where I stood in the back of the chapel, below the vertical pipes for the organ, there were pipes that looked like trumpets jetting out and facing the direction of that great city. When the organ played I looked back at these trumpets and expected to see angels on the other side, I thought of the angel Moroni who stands on all our temples proclaiming in great glory that the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ had been restored to the earth! I wanted to join in and shout it with those angels!

If you want to go to a city that has almost every possible religion represented there, go to Jerusalem. The scripture that came to my mind when I thought of the countless numbers of religions in that place is Jacob 5:30 where the Lord in His vineyard sees a tree with many different kinds of fruit but none of them the right fruit the tree was supposed to bear. It was so awesome meeting people of all kinds of faith and I will forever cherish the discussions I had with them. But as I stood on that Sabbath day in the chapel of that dedicated building, and as I looked out over the Holy Land, I wanted to fall to my knees in reverence and humility for all that I have been given. I cried tears of gratitude to know that I had the fullness of the Gospel, His Priesthood and His Church.

 I testify that His Gospel, His Priesthood, is the key to unifying the nations of the earth and the tool to bringing people together of all faiths.

He Knows!

"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, 

All ye that hope in the Lord."

- Psalms 31:24

"He Knows"

All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows


"Cling to your faith. Hold on to your hope. 'Pray always, and be believing.' Indeed, as Paul wrote of Abraham, he 'against [all] hope believed in hope' and 'staggered not … through unbelief.' He was 'strong in faith' and was 'fully persuaded that, what [God] had promised, he was able … to perform.'

Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, 
For He is the very source of the light you seek. 
He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. 
He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed."

 - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (An High Priest of Good Things to Come)

More Than Words

"We see in ourselves, brothers and sisters, the unnecessary multiplication of words—not only a lack of clarity, but vanity. Our verbosity is often a cover for insincerity or uncertainty. Meekness, the subtraction of self, reduces the multiplication of words.

Without meekness, the conversational point we insist on making often takes the form of I, that spearlike, vertical pronoun. Meekness, however, is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness. It reflects certitude, strength, serenity; it reflects a healthy self-esteem and a genuine self-control."
- Neal A. Maxwell

The words from  this talk  by Elder Maxwell echoed through the rooms yesterday as I tidied up my little sphere I call home.  I've heard it many times before. But this particular part about "the subtraction of self, reduces the multiplication of words" hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to go back and read it.  I am a woman of many words.  I am very passionate about writing and speaking (even though I don't feel very skilled at it.)  Still, I can't help but ask myself if my verbosity is merely evidence of my pride.  I never want to sound preachy or act like I have all the answers.  I want to be the one who "walks the walk" not just "talks the talk".   After all, "Well done is better than well said." - Benjamin Franklin

Oh, how I ache to "learn meekness" and to "become" the woman God intends for me to be.  I suppose it's reasonable for me to "ache" in my desire of such things because Neal A. Maxwell also says:

"Meekness is one of those attributes acquired only by experience, some of it painful, for it is developed 'according to the flesh' (Alma 7:11, 12). It is not an attribute achieved overnight, nor is it certified to in but one exam; rather, it is certified to 'in process of time' (Moses 7:21, 68, 69). The Savior said we are to 'take up [the] cross daily' (Luke 9:23)—not just once or occasionally—and taking up the cross daily surely requires meekness."

There is a poem I heard years ago. I loved it so much that I made it into a fridge magnet. (How is that for supreme homage?) ;)

 It's called "My Creed" by, Edgar Guest.  These are just the last few lines of the creed but it's the part that emphasizes most on the core of what I desire to become:

"To be the same when I'm alone

As when my every deed is known;

To live undaunted, unafraid

Of any step that I have made;

To be without pretense or sham

Exactly what men think I am."

-Alicia

"He is the Light"

What a beautiful song this is, I just discovered it!  I may just play it over and over today :)  The Lord has taught us "Let your light so shine" but like the moon, we cannot shine on our own.  We need the Son.  It is His glory, not ours.  He has said, "I am the light which ye shall hold up."  3 Ne. 18:24

Teach Them to Observe

After the Lord rose from the grave and visited among His 11 disciples, He gave them a charge to go forth and "teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."

What exactly was it that His beloved disciples were to teach?

He gives the answer in the next verse, "Teach them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you." Matthew 28:19-20

It's this word "observe" that caught my attention this morning. "Observe" shows up 93 times in the scriptures.

Webster's 1828 Dictionary defines it as this:
To hold in view, to keep eyes upon, to celebrate, to practice, to keep or maintain in ones actions, to look to with careful attention and vigilance.

David proclaims,
"Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the loving kindness of the Lord."  Psalms 107:43
"Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart." Psalms 119:34
(I love that, "whole heart".)

In modern revelation, the Lord has taught, "Among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken, and their spirits contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice - yea, every sacrifice which I, the Lord, shall command - they are accepted of me.  For I, the Lord, will cause them to bring forth as a very fruitful tree which is planted in a goodly land, by a pure stream, that yieldeth much precious fruit." D&C 97:8-9

The counsel and the promise I see here is this;
Keep your eyes upon, celebrate, practice, give your whole soul and attention to the covenants you have made with the Savior, at baptism and in the House of the Lord, treasure them, prove you treasure them through your actions, and the Lord will cause you to "bring forth as a very fruitful tree which is planted in a good spot of ground, by a pure stream." His promises are sure!

I have a testimony of the enabling power of my Savior, He gives me power over the Destroyer.  D&C 101:54

For me, the Temple is the place where I find my greatest strength, not from what I do there but what I keep, what I take with me from there and treasure in my heart.  I find comfort, solace, and direction in observing truth.  I love my Savior, His promises, His teachings, the words of the apostles and prophets both ancient and modern.  These are living water to me!  This is the "pure stream" that flows by my side, this is the "good ground" where I am planted.

-Alicia

In Christ Alone

I want to find the sheet music to this hymn and see if we might sing it for our ward choir.  I just love this song!  Just read these lyrics, absolutely beautiful!

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh

Fulness of God in helpless babe!

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones he came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

The wrath of God was satisfied -

For every sin on Him was laid;

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain:

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,

For I am His and He is mine -

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,

This is the power of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath.

Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ch6eXkQWU8

"Learn" and "Rest"

It must have been sometime in August of last year:  I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting and Brother Mann was speaking when I heard him read this quote;

"Instead of allowing yourself to be unhappy, just let your love grow as God wants it to grow. Seek goodness in others. Love more persons more -- love them more impersonally, more unselfishly, without thought of return. The return, never fear, will take care of itself."  

The words "without thought of return" struck me. In my scriptures at that time I had been focusing on overcoming pride and selfishness and this quote was in direct line with my studies.  "I've got to write this down!” I thought to myself.  I tried to remember who he said the author was and scribbled on a notepad "Henry Garamound."  

After the meeting, I rushed over to Brother Mann and inquired, "How do you spell the last name of that author you quoted from… was it G-a-r-a-m....?" 

"No", he said, “It’s Drummond.  Henry Drummond.”

"Sweet! I've never heard of him before.  I'm going to look him up, thanks!"

This led me to discover what is now one of my most favorite books, “The Greatest Thing in the World and Other Addresses” by, Henry Drummond.  It is really a short compilation of sermons, a very quick read, but packed full with truths of gold!

I sat in the back of a crowded chapel yesterday afternoon watching the funeral services for the father of my good friend.  Earlier that morning I had just read this scripture in Enos; 

"I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father."

I pondered this verse as I watched my friend lay his father to rest. That word "Rest",  What does it mean?  I thought about it in my personal life and my mind recalled the beautiful sermon Henry Drummond gave on “Rest”. 

He expounds upon the scripture, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."

Brother Drummond points out that the key to "rest" is to "learn".  And how do we most often learn things?  It is usually over a process of time, through much effort, and a lot of practice.  He says, "How novel a connection between these two words "learn" and "rest". How few of us have ever associated them -ever thought that rest was a thing to be learned.... What must one work at?  What is that which if duly learned will find the soul of man in rest?  Christ answers without the least hesitation.  He specifies two things - Meekness and Lowliness."

He goes on...

"What are the chief causes of unrest? ...Pride, Selfishness, Ambition.  As you look back upon the past years of your life, is it not true that its unhappiness has chiefly come from the succession of personal mortifications and almost trivial disappointments... it is the petty friction of our every-day life with one another, the jar of business or of work, the discord of the domestic circle, the collapse of our ambition, the crossing of our will or the taking down of our conceit, which make inward peace impossible.  Wounded vanity, then, disappointed hopes, unsatisfied selfishness - these are the old, vulgar, universal sources of man's unrest."

So, if rest is found when we learn to be humble and meek like the Savior.... 
And restlessness or unrest is most commonly a result of pride, selfishness, and conceit...
Then to truly have peace, to be calm and rest in the Lord, we must die.  I'm not speaking physically, although the righteous do find rest in Him through mortal death.  But spiritually speaking -"the natural man" inside of us must die- our will, how we want our story to unfold, our vanity, and our selfish desires must die. When we meekly and humbly let these things go, our eyes will be opened and we'll comprehend them for what they really are: shackles and fetters that chain us down to the mire of anxiousness and misery.

How much do we trust God, I mean really trust Him?  Can we let go of our stories, the things we  think we need to be happy in this life?  Or do we insist on frantically perusing things we can't control or paths that the Lord has counseled us time and time again not to take?  He knows our hearts.  He knows what is best for us.  We can be assured with a heavenly calm and inner peace when we practice and learn His life, seek every day to follow in His way, humbly and sincerely. It will all work out in the end. His promises are sure. Pray always and be believing. Give thanks in everything and be anxious about nothing. D&C 90:24, Ephesians 5:20,Philippians 4:6

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come 'till heaven; but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." - Jeffery R. Holland

-Alicia

"She That Belieived"

This last Christmas, a friend of mine told me of a tradition she had started in her family to make the Holiday more focused and meaningful.  Each week leading up to Christmas, they would choose one character from their nativity and pull it to the forefront of their display.  The figure chosen would be who they would search and ponder about in the scriptures for that week.  What a wonderful tradition!

Christmas is past now but I have felt compelled to take some time to study about Mary, the mother of Jesus.  As I have done so, I have tried to place myself in her stead and imagine the story of how it all came to be.  How would she tell her story in her own words?  Mind you, I have again taken some liberties.  ;)  (Miriam is the Hebrew version of the name, Mary.  I love that because, Miriam is a very special name to me and my daughter's name is Miriam.  Maybe that's why I've taken such interest in Mary.) 

..........................................
Mary's Story
(Luke 1)

It's difficult for me to find the words to adequately explain the change that took place at that point in my life but I knew from the beginning something extraordinary was happening. I felt this Spirit within me, a beautiful Spirit full of life and pure light.  It grabbed hold of my heart so intensely! At times, It was as if I couldn't breathe for the feeling was so overwhelming. This continued for several days, morning and night.  As I went about doing my work, I felt the beating of my heart grow more powerful and stronger than I had ever experienced before.  It filled me with astonishment. So impressive was its pulse that I thought that my heart might pound right out of my chest.  It near consumed me with exhaustion.  I felt weak.

One night, I knelt in earnest prayer before the Lord and asked him to help me understand this impressive power that had taken hold of my soul. I was engaged to be married to a wonderful man, named Joseph.  I had great feelings for him - I understood those feelings and knew them very well.  But this new Spirit that had taken hold of my heart was distinctively different. It was familiar to what I felt for my sweet Joseph but it was greater, even magnified beyond anything I could begin to describe.  "Lord, what is happening to me?  Is this something I have imagined within myself?  Am I going completely crazy or is this real? What is this that I am feeling?" I plead for an answer.

An angel appeared before me.  He greeted me most warmly and told me that I was highly favored of the Lord and blessed among women. He told me not to be afraid for I had found favor with God.  This was so relieving to hear and I wept great tears of gratitude for there were moments that I felt as if perhaps I was wrong or that I had somehow betrayed my dear Joseph.

 The angel said that I was to bear a son and call Him Jesus.  He proclaimed, "He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto Him the throne of His father David:  And He shall reign over the house of Jacob forever; and of His kingdom there shall be no end."

"How can it be?" I asked him.  "I've never been with anyone. I have been faithful. How can this happen?"

The angel then told me that the Holy Ghost would come upon me, and the power of the Highest would overshadow me. He told me I would bear the Son of God.

 My mind was reeling! I couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. I expected to awake at any moment and find it was all a dream.  "Me?" I questioned.  "Why on earth would God ever choose me? Surely, there were other women far more qualified, far more righteous, and far more capable than myself...  how could anyone be capable of such a task but most especially me? There is no way!  I am among the weakest of the weak, what if I fail?" I wrestled with a multitude of insecurities.

Then, the angel announced that I was not the only one experiencing a mighty miracle, he said my dear cousin, who had been barren for years, would also be having a child.
I wept with excitement and wonder.  I pondered for a long time.  The angel perceived the fears that continued to disrupt my peace and testified boldly, "With God nothing shall be impossible."  Gratitude washed over me like a flood, for I knew the goodness of God, and I believed with all my heart that his words were true. I fell to my knees, and heaved a sigh of beautiful surrender, "Be it unto me according to thy word." And the angel was gone.

A few days later, I traveled to visit my dear cousin, Elizabeth.  Walking up the road, I caught sight of her from a distance. I called out as I ran hastily to meet her.  She turned to me and cried with elation, "Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.  And how is it that the mother of my Savior has come to visit?!" She knew, without me saying a word, she knew!  We embraced and she told me of how her baby leaped inside of her the minute she heard my voice.  She kissed my face and tenderly cradled my head in her hands, "Blessed is she that believed," she said lovingly, "for all of the things that were promised you by the Lord will happen."

We talked late into the evening. We shared testimony of the greatness of God and bore witness of His mighty miracles and infinite mercy.

How humbled I feel that He would choose me as His handmaiden in my low estate.  Truly my spirit rejoices in God, my beloved Savior, and my soul will magnify Him all my days!

......................

-Alicia

Only One Way to Live

My heart is heavy today.  I have two funerals to attend to within this next week, one this Saturday and the other next Thursday.

Saturday is the funeral for the father of my friend, Nathan. He is no stranger to sorrow and suffering.  Eight years ago, Nathan lost his wife in a horrific and tragic way.  I'm happy to say he's remarried now but he still has many sorrows.  I pray for him.

Naturally, with these events, I've been thinking a lot about life and death.  How fragile life is and how strange death can be. We just never know when will be our last day on earth.  I hope to live past 100. But if I do die young, I hope it's quick.

Years ago, my daughter, Miriam, used to cry herself to sleep at night because she would worry so much about the vulnerability of life.  If there was a movie we would watch where someone died from cancer or a heart attack, she'd have nightmares for weeks.  One particular night, I laid by her side in her bed scratching her little back, trying to console her.  Her tiny voice stammered as she listed off all the "what if's" that plagued her mind.  "Oh Miriam," I said soothingly, "You are right.  There are so many ways we can die... so many ways that we cannot even begin to list them all.  We knew when we came to this earth it would not be forever.  Death is part of life and it has to happen to all of us in order to live again, to return to our Father in Heaven.  We just don't know when that will be and we can't really control it.  But that doesn't matter.  What matters is how we live. And, Who does life come from?" I asked her. "Jesus," she answered. "That's right. Through Him, is the only way to live." I recited to her Matthew 10:28.  I assured, "the only thing we need to concern ourselves about is if we are trying to live like Jesus." That seemed to calm her and she was finally able to sleep.  Many nights after that, I would have to reassure her of our conversation, "Remember, there are a million ways to die and only one way to live."  Since then, this phrase has become a common saying in our family.

Now, all I have to do is start off, "Remember, there are a million....."  And the kids immediately finish the sentence, "...ways to die and only one way to live."   Good. I hope my children never forget it!

The Place of "Becoming"

I've been pondering on what I said yesterday about the place between "once upon a time" and "happily ever after", the place of "becoming".

I mentioned the parable of the ten virgins, how five became the brides to the groom and five did not. In the New Testament, I discovered 32 references to the word "become" and in The Book of Mormon, I found 91.

These are just a few examples:

"become ripened"
"become men of understanding"
"become as little children"
"become his sons and daughters"
"become high priests"
"become bright"
"become a tree"
"become as God"
"become new"

The word "become" means "to change into, to grow to be, to transform or convert".  When something has been converted or transformed, it is changed forever! There is no returning to its formal state.  A seed that has been transformed into a tree will never go back into being a seed.  

In order for us to become the bride to the Bridegroom, He must win our heart.  He must become our everything. We must want nothing more than to have Him in our life.  He must be our focus and He must have our total attention.  He must occupy our thoughts day and night and everywhere we go. We will desire nothing more than to please Him.  All of this will come very naturally if He has truly won our heart, because that is what naturally happens when love is true!

When we truly love Him, we will unite our mind with His mind, our will with His will, our soul with His soul.  We will experience a very real at-one-ment.

Sometimes this "becoming" will feel like forever, so long in fact that it will be painful, very painful. These things take time though.  Everything that is worth living and dying for takes time.  Time: is the great revealer, the glorious unveiler.  

President Boyd K. Packer has testified, "Our lives are made up of thousands of everyday choices. Over the years these little choices will be bundled together and show clearly what we value."

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "When Alma compared the word of God to a seed, he explained that the seed grows into a fruit-bearing tree gradually, as a result of our 'faith, and [our] diligence, and patience, and long-suffering.'  It’s true that some blessings come right away: soon after we plant the seed in our hearts, it begins to swell and sprout and grow, and by this we know that the seed is good. From the very moment we set foot upon the pathway of discipleship, seen and unseen blessings from God begin to attend us.

But we cannot receive the fulness of those blessings if we 'neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment.'

Knowing that the seed is good is not enough. We must 'nourish it with great care, that it may get root.'  Only then can we partake of the fruit that is “sweet above all that is sweet, and … pure above all that is pure” and 'feast upon this fruit even until [we] are filled, that [we] hunger not, neither shall [we] thirst."

The "place of becoming" is a journey. Find joy in it, because there is a glorious destination that awaits!
-Alicia

Starting the day with "My Soul On Fire"!!!

In Between "Once Upon a Time" and "Happily Ever After"

The program for Young Women's in Excellence is in one week.  The girls have been practicing a song called, "Happily Ever After".  It's a beautiful song!

I must admit that I have a knee-jerk skepticism when I hear these story-book words.  I guess I sometimes worry that in the church, there may be youth who grow up thinking that if they find a returned missionary and get married in the Temple, that they've reached their destination and everything will be daisies and blue skies from there on out.  It's just not that simple.

I confess, as a young girl, I'd hear stories of handsome princes and princesses, white horses, knights in shining armor, and of course, happily ever after.  Dreamily, I'd imagine myself being that princess who gets swept off her feet and rides blissfully into the sunset with the man of her dreams... call me a hopeless romantic, but what young girl doesn't dream that?!  I have to laugh.  As I've grown older, so has my disbelief of such things, where does that ever happen in the real world?

But maybe I'm looking beyond the mark, maybe there is something I have forgotten in these stories, something more true to reality?  The place in between "once upon a time" and "happily ever after" -

"In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their “happily ever after.” Think about it. Has there ever been a person who did not have to go through his or her own dark valley of temptation, trial, and sorrow?

Sandwiched between their “once upon a time” and “happily ever after,” they all had to experience great adversity. Why must all experience sadness and tragedy? Why could we not simply live in bliss and peace, each day filled with wonder, joy, and love?  The scriptures tell us there must be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

There's a bridge between the chorus of Jenny Phillip's song that says:
When the forests fills with darkness
And wolves seek your soul
Just know
You are simply in the place between
Your once upon a time and your triumph in the end

I wonder if she wrote this song based off of President Uchtdorf's talk?  I don't know.  But I'm glad she included this part.  There is an effectual struggle to be made before we reach our promised land.

With these two quotes in mind, I'd like to call this "place in between"  the place of becoming.  I find it fitting that Sunday's lesson for the YW is "Who am I and who can I become?" The question "who can I become" makes me think of the Parable of the 10 Virgins.  Five became a bride and five did not. Why?

Perhaps the five that were foolish were so busy obsessing over other things that they were too distracted to prepare for the groom. Or maybe they simply didn't care, or they were too caught up in selfish questions such as "What kind of man will he be for me?  I wonder what he will give me?  How will he love me? How will he fill my needs?"

Perhaps the five that were wise had a different focus, a vision that saw outside themselves, asking questions such as, "What kind of woman can I become for him? What can I do to serve him?  What will he need?  How will I love him?"

The difference in these questions are incredibly significant: the foolish are centered on those things they have no control over, they surrender their agency and leave themselves to be acted upon. They think that outside sources and others will be the ones to make them happy.  But it's just not so.

The wise instead are centered on those things that they can do, how they can love, they are agents unto themselves. They are not conditioned upon outside sources because their choice comes from within. They will prepare, serve, and love, regardless of response, regardless if it seems like forever.

Like the oil in their lamps, so is love.  Only pure and sincere love for the bridegroom will transform these women into the brides they are meant to be. Pure love, undefiled, must spring up from one's own heart, it cannot be bought or bargained, manipulated or stolen.  No one can force another person to love them the way they want to be loved.  Instead they must become the person they dream of.  Keep note, this "becoming"is not for the faint in heart.  It requires years and years of blood, sweat, and tears, so many tears.  But it's worth it!

Now, I shared earlier my skepticism of prince charming...  but I must tell you that I've discovered a real-life fairy tale in the scriptures.  Yes, this story really did happen! Though, I've taken some liberties (okay, a lot of liberties) in how it's worded but you'll recognize it.

...................................................

Once upon a time, long ago in a land far, far away.  There lived a woman who was very lonely even though she did not live alone.  She was not married to the man she lived with and had in fact been married five times before.  In every relationship she worked hard to make it meaningful, hoping that she would be acknowledged and appreciated, loved and admired.  She would think to herself that truly, all she needed to be happy was for someone to tell her she was beautiful and worthy, accepted and adored.  But time after time her dreams were shattered as harsh reality settled in.  In all her rejection, she began to feel empty and insecure and even a little bitter at the hand she had been dealt. "I thought being married would make me happy, but it hasn't, where did I go wrong and what could possibly fill my loneliness?" she questioned herself.

One day the woman's thirst for acceptance ailed her so fiercely that she traveled to a place where everyone else in the village went to drink.  She was startled to find a stranger there, a man she had never met before. He seemed to be waiting for her.  As she approached him, she was shocked at his greeting for she perceived him as one who would never speak to her type.  She wondered what he was doing there for he had brought nothing to draw water out with.  Clearly his intention for being in that place was different than her own.  She was surprised how well he seemed to know her... how did he know her?  His eyes were like fire and she felt as if he could see deep into her heart... a heart that had grown cold and full of sorrow.  She glanced down at the ground in shame, then was quickly drawn to his gaze again.  There, he looked at her. The warmth from his eyes began to penetrate her soul and her lifeless heart began to beat again.  His voice was soothing, like rain pouring from the clouds onto parched desert ground.  Who was this man and why hadn't she discovered him before?  His countenance was kind and his presence seemed to overwhelm her with a feeling that she could not describe.  She sat by his side and listened to him speak. She found herself absorbing every word out of his mouth. Something was changing inside of her, she felt different, like a new person. She noticed that her thirst for the water at the well had left her, she had no more desire for it.  No longer did she care if she was beautiful or adored, accepted or acknowledged.  None of that mattered.  Somehow, with him, she knew she already was. Here was her prince, the one she had been longing for!

Light filled her soul, like rays of sun through a window, and as she turned to return home she felt a spring in her step, gratitude for the simple things, purpose in her heart, and joy for the day. She began to look for and see the good in others.  No longer would she serve to be noticed or recognized, loved or adored, because she knew she already was!   Instead, her only desire was to bring everyone to the man who gave her new life, to the Savior, Jesus Christ. So, that is what she did for the rest of her days and she lived happily ever after.  John 4:5-26 - Isaiah 54:4-8, 10-13

-Alicia

This is what it means to be held...

I've just been thinking of this song today in the context of my post from this morning.  The lyrics to this are so beautiful.  I think of the Savior and His loving arms every time I hear this song.

"Held"
by, Natalie Grant

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

Were asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The Wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

Why do we suffer?

As a family, this past Saturday we spent a good portion of it purging our house, throwing out garbage, and cleaning out clutter.  It was very refreshing.  My husband thumbed through a stack of mail, held up a magazine and asked me, "Recycling right?"
Without looking up I responded, "right." But immediately after my response, I glanced over at the cover and said, "Wait, no!  Is it okay if I look through that first?"
"Sure," he said, as he tossed me the magazine.
It was January's copy of LDS Living.
I turned it's pages and was drawn to an article entitled "A New Normal".  I started reading quietly to myself at first but then called for my husband, "listen to this story, it's unbelievable!"  I leaned against our white cabinet doors and began reading out loud to him.  "On August 24th, 2013 Jensen Parrish and her brother Ian were serving full-time missions when they got the news that both of their parents and their two younger brothers were killed from a carbon monoxide leak in their home."  I read Jensen's account of the events that unfolded and the weeks and months that followed.  I was riveted to the words on the pages.  It broke my heart as I came to know their story.  Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to continue reading, hardly able to speak.

Jensen and Ian have incredible faith. After the funerals, they both chose to return to the field and finish their full-time missions. At one point, Ian wrote to his sister, "These five months have been hard, and you know they will continue to be hard.  However, I have learned for myself, in the clearest way, that you cannot ever know joy without tasting the worst sorrow.  I have had experiences when I felt like giving up, but that is when the Lord will put people in our path to hear the gospel. There have been a lot of... times when I want to give up, and then we have a miracle lesson or a very humbling experience."

After completing her mission, Jensen wrote, "People still ask me how I am doing.  I don't always have the answer. There are days that are intensely difficult.  Sometimes, there are days when it hurts to get up in the morning.  I still think about my mom, dad, Keegan, and Liam many times every day....  I've come to better love, appreciate, and understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ... My family is okay.  No, they are not with Ian and me right now, but they are near us always.  They are safer than they could ever have been here on earth.  We are an eternal family..."

After I finished the article, I looked up at my husband with my tear-stained face, "Wow, isn't that sobering!  Their testimonies inspire me.  Why do some people seem to suffer so much more than others?"

"And thus it is written, and thus it behoved Christ to suffer." The scriptures teach us that the most perfect Man who ever walked on the earth was a "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."

I feel as if the suffering in my life is so small compared to what some people have gone through.  It may seem strange, but there is a part of me that almost wishes I could experience other's trials just so I could know the right words to say to console them...  Just so I could tell them, "I truly know your pain".  My soul cries, "Oh that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God..." I want to be a voice of healing... I want it in a painful way! It brings me comfort to know we all have access to the beautiful atonement of our Savior Who comprehends all suffering.

This morning I felt a desire to find a good devotional talk to play as I cleaned the house. I found one entitled, "Why We Sometimes Suffer".  It caught my eye as I reflected back on the article I read Saturday.  It was the perfect talk!  I also appreciated it because Brother Wayment included some scriptures that have been on my mind lately.  I believe this was the one I truly needed today!  I love the tender mercies of the Lord.

-Alicia
(Read Jensen Parrish's blog here.)

Roses and Thorns

"I have a thorn in my side
And it hurts sometimes
Reminds me I'm only human
But every tear I cry waters a ground that's dry
And soon the flowers blossom

'Cause roses and thorns grow together
Like a rainbow follows bad weather
Hard times and lonely days will only make me better
'Cause roses and thorns grow together"
- Hillary Weeks

This is just a portion of a song I heard for the first time almost 20 years ago but I've been thinking a lot about it lately.  Perhaps it's because I've been made painfully aware of how incredibly weak I am.  It's at times like these that I try to keep my head up and not get discouraged.  The grace of my Savior is my balm of healing.

The Apostle Paul also had a thorn in his flesh and he prayed over and over to have it removed but to no avail.  Why?  It was this very weakness that kept him in earnest pursuit of a deeper and stronger relationship with His Savior.  He declared, "Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I pray for the power of Christ to rest upon me.  In my weakness, I will be made whole.

I'm gonna carpe this diem!

It was a hot summer afternoon and my dad was on the roof trying to fix our swamp cooler.  For a brief moment, he ran into the house to grab some tools.  I was two years old and felt quite confident in my walking abilities.  My dad was gone. I saw the ladder leaning against our house and wanted to try something new.  I wanted to climb. The ladder was so high! That would be a new adventure my little feet had never experienced.  Upon his return, I was nowhere to be found!  Frantically, he searched everywhere for me, shouting my name. "Alicia! Alicia!"  After several worrisome minutes, that seemed like hours, he heard my voice above him, cheerfully waving, "Hi daddy!"  There I was, sitting triumphantly on the roof of our house, proudly leaning over the rain gutter to show him what I had accomplished.

A year later, my parents took me swimming at the local high school.  My little 3 ½ year-old body could not contain the excitement when I saw the deep blue water in front of me.  I ran from the grasp of my mother's hand and jumped in, plunging several feet above my head.  I didn't know how to swim.  My mom rescued me.  Between the sounds of my coughing and gasping, I could hear her scolding, "Don't you ever jump in like that again! You don't even know how to swim!" Needless to say, I didn't listen to her and I think she had to "rescue" me a few more times that day.

I remember my parents would often say:
"Alicia, you always bite off more than you can chew."
"Alicia, you can't see the forest for the trees."
"Your eyes are bigger than your stomach, Alicia."

Of course, as an adult, I like to think that the spunk I had as a child wasn't all just short-sided naivete or utter insanity... that maybe... just maybe there was a small manifestation of courage and faith in there.

I suppose these memories come to mind because of what lies ahead of me this year: My trip to the UN, trying to go back to school when I still have young children, trying to get into one of the hardest and finest universities, submitting my art into a competition were I have 1.5% chance of being chosen, and just getting adjusted with a new awesome group of home-school moms. The list could go on but these are the major things.

I opened up to my husband last Sunday, " What is happening?  I'm either crazy or the Lord is really wanting me to prove my faith."  I feel like I'm 3 ½ again and that irresistible clear blue water is calling out for me to jump in.  But as strong as that call is, I can also hear voices in my mind telling me, "That's way over your head, Alicia!"  "You're insane!" "Who do you think you are and what do you really have to offer?"

I laid on my back, stared up at the ceiling as tears streamed down my face, and my sweet husband listened to me pour my heart out:  "I'm scared, Joseph, I know this is where the Lord wants me to go, but I don't feel like I have what it takes."  I told him about a song that described exactly how I feel. 

Ready or not, I'm going for this. 

"If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts... Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you... in the process of revelation and in making important decisions, fear almost always plays a destructive, sometimes paralyzing role... Of course our faith will be tested as we fight through these self-doubts and second thoughts. Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt—seemingly free, seemingly on our way—only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and to give up... Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There’s always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet." - Jeffrey R. Holland (Cast not away therefore your confidence.)

- Alicia

What is destiny?

I must admit that every time I hear the word "destiny" I can't help but think of the line in Back to the Future where George Mcfly boldly declares to his love to Lorraine, "I am your density!"  (Of course, what George meant to say was that he was her destiny.)

What is destiny anyway?  In Latin it means dēstināre  or "de"=to remove from  & "stinare"=standing.  It is an indication of movement from one place to another.  To me, destiny sounds like the word "destination" and I think its very fitting.  It is the place that we will eventually come to.  It is something that is yet to happen.

I've been memorizing The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I noticed the word "destiny" shows up in each of the first three paragraphs.

In the context of the Gospel, God has a destination for each of us; a beautiful, loving, and glorious plan!  But he gives us our agency to choose.  He will not force us on the path.

As we exercise faith and go to Him through daily prayer, daily scripture study, and seek to know Him and the destination he has for us, He will reveal to us the right roads to take in miraculous ways and our glorious destiny will unfold!!  Alma 37:39-47

-Alicia :)

To Know God

A week ago, last Sunday, I gave a lesson in Young Women's about the Godhead.  I wrote on the board this scripture: 

 "And this is life eternal, that they might know Thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom Thou hast sent."  John 17:3 

I didn't have time to expound, but if I did, I would have liked to have switched the words around on the board from "life eternal" to "eternal life".  They are interchangeable, you see, because as we come to know God, our Father, and Jesus Christ, we can experience "eternal life" right here, right now.  We don't need to wait until heaven. 

Now, this next part, I is something I have thought deeply about.   What does it mean to know?  Webster's Dictionary defines it as follows: 

The third definition of know is used in the Bible to define the sacred intimate relationship between a man and woman.  Could this have meaning in the scripture, "And this is life eternal that they might know Thee..."?  I think it could.  There is great spiritual symbolism in the intimate nature of the husband and wife relationship. (See Ephesians 5:31) 

 Elder Jeffery R. Holland gave a beautiful speech on this topic years ago and is one of my all-time favorites, "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments"  He said, "As delicate as it is to mention in such a setting, I nevertheless trust your maturity to understand that physiologically we are created as men and women to fit together in such a union. In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally 'one' as two separate physical bodies can ever be." 

(see my post Water and Rock)

In the physical sense and with the biblical definition of "know", there truly is no other union that is more perfect in the flesh.  So, I would conclude that in the context of "knowing God", this spiritual context, means knowing Him is much more than recognizing Him, it's more than confessing him, more than understanding and perceiving Him.  Yes, it goes so much deeper, "to know God" is to truly love Him, to have our spirit unite with His Spirit and be one in the most perfect union possible, because He is perfect. (John 17:22-23) It means His will is our will, His heart is our heart, His mind is our mind. 

 "These are moments when we quite literally unite our will with God's will, our spirit with His spirit, where communion through the veil becomes very real. At such moments we not only acknowledge His divinity, but we quite literally take something of that divinity to ourselves." - Jeffrey R. Holland

-Alicia

Love is...

Because God the Father and His Son are one, and we are to strive to become like Them, to be one with Them, there must be something Divinely powerful and real about the connection we feel with each other through our spirits.  Spiritual unity is what we strive for in the Gospel.  This is what it means to be the Lord's people. (See Moses 7:18) This is Zion.

True love brings us together as it pushes us outside of ourselves. True love never fades or wears away, never divides or diminishes, it always multiplies and magnifies, it grows more beautiful with age until it shines brighter than the sun.  It transcends space and time because it is eternal in nature.  It is communicated from soul to soul, it is fire in the eyes, and electricity in the atmosphere.  To purely love another person is to unite with heaven!  (See 1 John 4:7-19)

-Alicia