Love of Learning

         I was given a blessing many years ago that said I would love learning, that it has been something I have loved long before I was born onto this earth and I would carry it with me throughout my life.  It's true!  I love learning with all of my heart and soul!        
         I have thoroughly been enjoying school at BYU.  Last night after a few ours of studying late, I walked across campus, making my way home, and felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for this gift I have been given.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought of the goodness of God.  I thanked my Father in Heaven for this "dream come true" in my life. What a blessing!  I thank Him every day!
         I absolutely love my Anthropology class!  It's been eye opening to say the least.  I've been completely fascinated with how much there is to learn about myself as I dive into the lives, minds, and cultures of other people.  My instructor is also very hilarious and there hasn't been one day in class yet where I haven't enjoyed a good hearty laugh. He once read a verse to us from The Hawaiian Pidgin Bible and I nearly fell off my seat from the hilarity. It's awesome! (You should check it out.)
    Today, I've been assigned to write a paper in my religion class.  We've been asked to write on just two chapters of the Book of Mormon (anywhere between 1 Nephi 1 to Jacob 7) and discuss character traits and attributes of Jesus Christ.  Although it was hard to decide which ones to choose, I really enjoyed the process.  This has truly been my favorite homework assignment.  I figured I might as well share it here.  It's part of my testimony and will fit nicely on my blog.  So here ya go:

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          In all of scripture there’s not a more beautiful love story found than what is to be discovered in the words of Isaiah.  He speaks Messianically and through him, we learn the intent and heart of God, here the greatest love ever shown is revealed through the principle of sacrifice; not just of body but to the exhausting of heart, might, soul, and mind. To the Jews in ancient Jerusalem, to the Nephites and Lamanites in the new world, and to His modern children on earth today, the message is the same!
          The word “hear” is embedded in the word “hearken”.  Interestingly, it is also found in the word “heart”.  I love this because “hearken” means; listening with our hearts, with full intent to act with willingness to perform what has been required, stemming from Divine love and not out of duty.  In the very first verse of 1 Nephi 20, this is how the Lord calls out to His people, “Hearken and Hear” two words characteristic of a loving plea from our Lord.  He’s begging them and us to please listen, not just with our ears but with our souls, and not just pay attention but to pay strict heed.
         There is great urgency in the context of this call to “listen up.”  Christ is speaking to the baptized members of the church, His covenant people, those who “swear by the name of the Lord” but “do not stay themselves upon [Him]”.(1) He basically says, “Look, I’ve been trying to speak to you from the very beginning, but like a stubborn child you shut me out saying, ‘yeah, yeah I know this already.’  Then you exploit my name so you can call yourselves 'holy' and give credit to your own image and the other false gods you worship.(2)  That’s not how this works. You are following the way of the world and it will only bring destruction.”  Over and over again He begs his people to flee worldliness, to break away from Babylon, to leave their life of pride and sin because there is no peace or happiness in these things and there and never will be.(3)
The Savior with His unfailing love for His wayward sheep tells them of all the blessings that could be theirs if they would just hearken unto Him, the Good Shepherd.  “Then you would have had peace like a river, [and] you would have not thirsted in the desert.”(4)
The people relentlessly reject Him but He continues to warn His children of impending dangers and sends a servant (the prophet)  to help “bring Jacob (His covenant people) again to Him”.  His servant is also rejected and laments, “I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for naught”.(5)  The frustration of such indifference among the people is palpable and the burden is crushing.  But the Lord in His wisdom reminds the servant that this weight of responsibility “Is a light thing… and [He] will give [him] for a light.” Don’t fret over all the details, I just want you to shine! Trust me, He whose “hand hath spanned the heavens”(6) laying out all the brilliant burning stars and galaxies will “give [his servant] for a light”.(7)
Darkness shrouds the hearts and minds of the people as they sit in the shadowy black cell of their own deception and sin.  But all is not lost. The Lord calls more servants to help the first.  Light always dispels dark “Show yourselves”(8)  is the Lord’s call to those on His errand.   Shine to them who sit in darkness!  The Savior gathers his “light bearer’s” his very elect from all parts of the globe.(9)  Clothed in covenant, like a bride in her gown(10) they will radiate a heavenly glow and they will be given stamina and energy, a swiftness in their step and a song in their heart as they go about His work.(11)  The desolate who sit in waste will lift up their eyes and see redemption breaking through their dark horizon like the rays of the morning sun. And in great mercy they will realize they have not been forgotten, they will come to know the Lord and witness that they have been “engraven upon the palms of His hands”.(12)  Changed by His matchless love, no longer will they hunger or thirst for the things of the world but will find living water in Christ.(13) Through God’s infinite power of His only begotten Son “The captives of the mighty shall be taken away, and the prey of the terrible shall be delivered.”(14)
Unfailing, undaunted, constant, and true in every rejection he continued to offer Himself.  The Lord never gave up on His people and never will, no matter the sacrifice, no matter the cost.  This is a story of the purest and most noble kind of love and it’s true, all of it.

1 -(1 Ne. 20:1,2), 2- (1 Ne. 20:1,2), 3-(1 Ne. 20:20,22), 4-(1 Ne. 20:18, 21), 5-(1 Ne. 21:4,5), 6-(1 Ne. 20:13), 7-(1 Ne. 21:6), 8-(1 Ne. 21:9), 9-(1 Ne. 21:12), 10-(1 Ne. 21:18), 11-(1 Ne. 21:13), 12-(1 Ne. 21:16), 13-(1 Ne. 21:10), 14-(1 Ne. 21:25)

More Than a Feeling

It was like I had my own little theme song playing for me as I walked on to BYU's campus for the first time as an official student:

"I woke up this morning and the sun was gone,
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away
It's more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)"

 How often I have prayed for this opportunity and I'm living in it now!  No one around me realizes how long I've dreamed of this day.  To them, I'm just another student with headphones, walking to class with a cheesy grin on my face.  But for me I'm having a party inside as I'm living "the dream" and reminiscing this old Boston beat I used to play every day in college.

So much more than a feeling!  I felt like I was on cloud nine, and I still feel like It can't be happening.

I'm taking two classes, a religion one and anthropology.  I must say that anthropology is the perfect follow-up from having my experiences at the United Nations in March.  I desire greater understanding of my brothers and sisters around the world and in my own little circle.  It's amazing how we can understand ourselves so much more when we truly seek to understand others.  I have so much to learn, so very much.  In this class, I've already had to read almost 100 pages and trying to absorb everything has been a challenge to say the least.  I feel like that person trying to follow pop tart instructions and the vertical concept is thrown at them. "Uhhh uhh... poof!" My brain explodes!

This will be fun though, I'm excited to learn, to expand, and grow.  I can already see how this will be physically exhausting.  But one foot in front of the other and lots of prayers... I'm on my way.

"Don't Look Back"
by, Boston

Don't look back
A new day is breakin'
It's been too long since I felt this way
I don't mind where I get taken
The road is callin'
Today is the day

I can see
It took so long to realize
I'm much too strong
Not to comprimise
Now I see what I am is holding me down
I'll turn it around

I finally see the dawn arrivin'
I see beyond the road I'm drivin'
Far away and left behind

It's a new horizon and I'm awakin' now
Oh I see myself in a brand new way
The sun is shinin'
the clouds are breakin'
'Canse I can't lose now, there's no game to play

I can tell
There's no more time left to criticize
I've seen what I could not recognize
Everthing in my life was leading me on
but I can be strong

I finally see the dawn arrivin'
I see beyond the road I'm drivin'
Far away and left behind

-Alicia

Soulful Writing

This past Sunday, I had something I was making which required the help of the other young women leaders and the girls.  As a result, I had the opportunity of spending the late afternoon and evening going into several homes and visiting with many wonderful sisters.

One of the leaders I visited with has a darling blond-haired 8-yr-old daughter, Lily. She answered the door and cheerfully invited me in.  While Lily called for her mom, she excitedly told me how she was in the middle of writing a story. I could see the computer screen and a paragraph of words already typed. I responded with how wonderful it was to see someone as young as her already so passionate about something.
My friend, Heidi, walked in and said, "Lily's excited because her dad is writing a screen play."
"Yeah!" Lily's face lit up and asked, "You wanna see it?"
"Sure, I'd love too!" I said.
She scurried out of the room and skipped back with a thick stack of pages bound together with a couple of office clips.
Heidi invited me to sit down.
"Wow. this is evidence of a lot of hard work," I said, holding the stack of papers.
I asked Heidi, "Do you enjoy writing too?"
"Yes," she said, "I actually blogged for a long time, especially when we were living in New York.  I discovered a company that publishes blogs into books." She pulled out a couple of thick heavy books off her shelf and showed them to me.
"How awesome is that!" I said, turning through the pages. "What a treasure!"
I told her how I blogged for several years and then quit.  But I started up again this year.
"Really?" She said with interest, "What do you blog about?"
"Things from my heart, meaningful experiences, and testimony," I replied.
"Oh, soulful writing!" she said, "That's my favorite kind!"
"Soulful writing?" I asked.  "I really like the sound of that.  It's a good description." I told her as I continued flipping through her book.
"You're going back to school, correct?" she inquired. "What are you going into?"
"Communications" I said.  "I asked the counselor which degree I would need to get if I want to go into writing and public speaking and that's the one he suggested."
"That's excellent! What a perfect fit for you!" She said encouragingly. "You know something, I've been thinking of you and just told my husband the other day how you intrigue me and how I want to know your story."
I laughed in disbelief, "Serious? My story?"
"Yes," she said, sincerely.

Well, what was supposed to be a short 3-min visit turned into us talking back and forth and sharing testimony for over an hour.  She gave me a list of some awesome resources and told me that I reminded her of her mom.  I've met her mom before and was humbled by such a comparison. "Well, maybe someday I will be like that," I said.  We concluded that our conversations could go on for hours more and that we needed to just hang out together sometime.  It was a wonderful visit!

I kept thinking about the words, "soulful writing."  I really like the sound of that.  My mother-in-law taught English for 20 years and is an author.  She's published a couple of books and has written for the Friend Magazine on a number of occasions.  (She goes by her maiden name when she writes.)  I would call her style, "fictional writing."  My daughter loves to write fictional stories too and I could easily see her being a published author someday.  I'm not a fictional writer and I don't know if I've ever imagined myself publishing anything.  But I really like the sound of being a "soulful writer." There's something that satisfies me when I can find the perfect words to express what's in my heart... it helps me to heal.  In fact, the title page of my old blog was called, "That Which Heals Me"

My earliest recollection of writing for healing was when I was 9 years old;  I had a pet tree frog named Kermie.  I loved how he fit perfectly in my palm and I carried him everywhere.  I could feel his wet little body snug between my fingers and felt confident he wouldn't get away.  One day, I ran across the lawn to my friend and didn't bother checking to see if my pet remained in my hand because I could still feel his cool little belly.  I looked down after a minute and to my horror realized he was gone!  I frantically searched everywhere in the green grass for him but the color of the blades matched that of my frog exactly.... it was no use.  I was terribly upset, I loved that little frog so much!   I ran in the house crying and locked myself in the bathroom.  I sobbed uncontrollably for nearly an hour. I left the locked room for only a minute to grab some lined paper and a pencil. With tear drops blurring the ink of blue-printed lines, I began to write my very first poem:

Frogs
By, Alicia Manwill - age 9

Frogs are cute, frogs are green,
Frogs will jump on anything.
I had one once, but now he's gone.
He's probly somewhere on the lawn,
Or maybe somewhere in the leaves,
Or maybe somewhere in the trees,
Oh, will someone find him please!

It was true "soulful writing," complete with tear stains on the paper and everything.  I can't help but laugh out-loud every time I think of this poem now.  Even as I type it here, I am laughing.  But as ridiculous as it is, it came from my 9-year-old heart, and somehow it helped me heal.

It's the same for me today... I don't expect people to read the things I write, I just do it when I have a lot on my heart and need a place to put my words.   I like using a blog because I feel that I write with a little more effort knowing there's a possibility of an audience.  Having someone listen inspires creativity and that's true for everyone.

I'll continue to write from my soul, even if no one is listening... because it heals me.  But maybe, just maybe, in the process, it might help heal someone else too.

-Alicia

Meet Dane

One thing I gained when I married into my husband's large family was tons of nieces and nephews.  The older ones are now adults and it's fun for me to grow closer to some of them through letters.  I write my nephews who are currently serving missions and my niece, Morgan, who is away at college.  They aren't big long letters, just short ones to check in on them, see how they are doing, send them some sort of encouraging words, and let them know I love them.  I don't know how well I'll be able to keep up with all of my numerous nieces and nephews as they cascade into adulthood but I'll do my best.

I have a brilliant nephew who is currently serving a mission in Quito Ecuador.  If I were to travel through time and meet Elder Neal A. Maxwell at the age of 20, I swear my nephew, Dane, would be his equal.  He is a total genius, has a brilliant mind for grasping all kinds of concepts, and profoundly gifted at writing.  He has already completed two semesters at BYU and will return there when finishes his mission.  We've joked about ending up in a writing class together or meeting each other on campus even before I got into BYU.

Dane is a very quiet guy, doesn't say much at family gatherings, mostly listens from the sidelines to conversations, is wise far beyond his age, naturally obedient, and is very kind.  I told him once that my observing him over the years has been like noticing a beautifully carved wooden music box on a mantel piece with a lock and no key.  At each family gathering, I'd notice the gorgeously intricate box and appreciated its presence there. Every time though, I'd wonder what the music inside of it would sound like if I only had the key to open it.  Year after year passed by but it remained locked tight.

In the summer of 2013 Dane moved to Provo to attend his first semesters at BYU.  We had him over a couple of times and in the course of one of our conversations, somehow, I convinced him to share with me his writings.  He hadn't shared his writings with anyone before, not even his mother!  And yet here he had given me the "key" to the music box!  When I opened it, I was completely amazed, for the "melody" I heard play was far more beautiful than I had even anticipated!  I told him how incredibly gifted he was in writing and nudged him to share with his mom.  I knew how meaningful it would be for her.

Dane is the one on the right. I bet it was hard to guess. ;)

Before departing on his mission, he gave a talk about Charity, the pure love of Christ.  He let me keep a copy of his talk. These are a couple of paragraphs from different parts of it.

"Water is a fine analogy for charity. A “selfish” body of water has no outlets, is self-contained and holds onto every drop of water it can. It stagnates and festers. Salts and sediments choke it and it grows ugly and smelly. Disease and mosquitoes breed there. In the same way our selfishness chokes and stagnates us and breeds sin and despair.  The cleanest and purest bodies of water, on the other hand, have at least one outlet where the water is poured out, given freely. Life grows there in abundance and the water is fresher and healthier in appearance and taste. Happiness and righteousness can only really be ours when we give of ourselves, sharing love and kindness with our neighbors and offering sacrifices of devotion to God. Isn’t this a wonderful paradox, that the surest way to grow more perfect is to become concerned with the perfection of others? Christ is our perfect example. He is the fountain of living waters."

"It is usually very easy for us to show love for our family and friends. It may be difficult to show love for the downtrodden and disabled, people we don’t know as well, who may not have “earned” such love or ever be able to.  And what is probably the hardest group of people to love? Our enemies. The people who have offended us, cursed us, rejected us, betrayed us, and otherwise harmed us, deliberately or unintentionally, seem to least deserve our love. But these people are the most important for us to have charity towards. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you.” They are, I think, “the least” of the brethren Christ talks about."

 "Consider this: Who deserves scorn the least? To whom do we owe the most love? Our
Savior performed an infinite atonement for every one of us, without which none of us could never be saved. But when we falter in our faith, or turn our faces from Christ, we are holding back our love for Him." - Elder Dane Whittaker

Now Dane has been out on his mission for over a year and I get to read his beautiful writings in his letters every week.  He takes the time to write me back too. I've enjoyed very thoroughly the bond we have forged in these last couple years through the simple medium of Spirit and words.  I truly hope we get a writing class together, that would be perfect!

-Alicia

Feels Like Home

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a loved-one's home where family is gathered for dinner, that feeling when you are greeted with warm embraces, well-known faces, and the aroma of freshly baked rolls?  Well, it was that kind of feeling I had experienced...  and it's funny because the place I entered into at that moment was one I had never set foot in before.  I didn't even know the tenants and had just barely met the landlord who was giving me and my husband "the tour."  The apartment was cluttered with boxes and junk everywhere, nothing was cooking and I'm quite certain the actual smell of the place was not a flavorful aroma.  Yet as sure as anything, when I walked through that door, I had a very clear and distinct experience.

After our tour of the place, my husband and I walked back to our little red Nissan. He pulled out a paper and scribbled down some notes as I sat in silence and tried to make sense of what just happened.
Then turning to my husband, I asked in a perplexed tone, "Did you feel that!??"
"Feel what?" He asked
"That was really strange." I said staring back at the apartment building.
"What was really strange?" He prodded.
"When we walked through that apartment, I felt like I was entering a family member's home.  The atmosphere, everything about the place... I could practically smell freshly baked rolls too.  And yet, there was none of that.  Joseph, it was so crazy!   I felt it so strong.  It was a feeling like 'coming home!'"

A few weeks passed and it turned out that small apartment did end up being our home.  It's probably a good thing I had such a strong feeling when we toured our little place because I was not impressed with the fact that there were no washer or dryer hookups and there wasn't much of a yard for the kids to play in either.  (Besides, we had another option of a place we liked a little better just about three blocks south if only we could make the follow-up contact with that landlord.)  But here we are and we have lived in this place almost four times as long as we have lived anywhere else.

Now in retrospect, I can't help but think of the numerous occasions I came to Provo before my husband ever even started school here.

Come to think of it, this is actually where I lived for the very first month of my life.  There was no room for me at the Newborn Intensive Care Unit in SLC so they flew me here.   My mom would drive two hours round-trip every day to UV Hospital in order to nurse me for those first several weeks.  This was my first home.

Provo was a place my husband visited often his whole life.  Ever since he was a little boy, his family has had the tradition of coming down to Provo for two things; Memorial Day and the Freedom Festival.  We married in the fall of 1999 so the very next year was my first time joining him in those two family traditions.  Since 2000 I have been coming to these events here every single year.

Every Memorial Day we'd visit the cemetery, get pictures taken with his family and have a lovely little picnic at one of Provo's parks.  For the Freedom Festival, we always came to watch the big parade and camped out several times in front of the Library on University Avenue. My personal favorite was running over to the baseball field to see the hot air balloons launch at sunrise.

Year after year we came to Provo.  Little did I know then that I would move here.  Little did I know how I would completely fall in love with this place or that here my dreams would come true.  But I know now, without any doubt that the Lord has been guiding me all along.  It's exciting to think about because He continues to guide me.  It's true... I don't know what my future holds but I know Who holds my future.  I trust Him.

I look ahead prospectively at BYU and am so happy to say now that I will be staying for a very long time. This is where I'm meant to be. This is truly home to me.

-Alicia

Happy Day!

Of course I've got to celebrate getting accepted into BYU -

and what better way than through music and dancing!

So, check this! 

MY SONG FOR TODAY!!! :D

"This Is The Time"

By, Superchick

This is the story of your life

A movie starring you

What's the next scene have for you to do?

Leave the dishes in the sink

Leave your fear there too

Live the story you would write for you

Say hey hey wake your heart

And break break break apart

The walls that keep you from being you

And walk walk towards the light 

And don't stop till you live your life

Like someone died for you

This is the time to try

Step out your life is waiting

And as you fall you'll find

That you can fly

This is the time to try

Step out your life is waiting

And as you fall you'll find

That you can fly

You can find a million words

To build a wall of fear

Safe behind that wall imprisoned here

Take that someday step today

To who you're meant to be

And turn your dreams to plans

So you can breathe

Say hey hey wake your heart

And break break break apart

The walls that keep you from being you

And walk walk towards the light 

And don't stop till you live your life

Like someone died for you

This is the time to try

Step out your life is waiting

And as you fall you'll find

That you can fly

Ask anyone whose time is up

What they'd give for what you've got

And how they'd live your life

Live like your life's worth dying for

You've just walked out that prison door

And you'll know how to live your life

This is the time to try

Step out your life is waiting

And as you fall you'll find

That you can fly

This is the time to try

Step out your life is waiting

And as you fall you'll find

That you can fly

A Mountain Under My Feet

June 8th, 1996 - 

We hiked the summit of Timp to celebrate my high school graduation that took place a couple of days earlier.

As I stood on that summit and looked across the valley, I was absolutely breath-taken with the view and the incredible feeling of accomplishment of having an entire mountain under my feet!  I'd like to say that at that moment in my life,  I had confidence in my abilities to achieve other great things too. But the truth is, I didn't.  I never even bothered trying to get into BYU because I was certain that I wouldn't make it.  I ended up settling for the Community College and admittedly I enjoyed my schooling there.  I was heavily involved on the Institute Council and really liked my classes.  

After about a year, I discovered some good friends of mine were applying to be EFY counselors.  They encouraged me to do the same.  I loved the idea of having some sort of "BYU experience" in my life and thought, "If I can't get in as a student, maybe I could at least teach the youth and live on campus for a summer." I applied, but didn't make it in.  It was an un-achievable dream in my heart, "Who was I kidding anyway?"  My flame of hope had gone out...   But I believe somewhere deep within me, there must have still been an ember.  

Years later, when my husband Joseph got accepted to BYU's Science program in the spring of 2008, I think I was more excited than he was.  In fact, he was debating whether or not to accept a separate offer at the University of Utah.  I remember eagerly encouraging him, "Honey, you have to take this!!  It's BYU, how can there be any debate in your mind?!"

That June, we packed up our little family and moved to Provo for him to go to school. (I was a couple of weeks away from the due date of my forth child.)  Joseph spent many hours up on campus so I would often take the children with me to visit him in his research office.  So many times, as I walked up those stairs in the Science building, I would look out the large window across campus and think to myself, "some day, I want it to be my turn here."  He graduated in August of 2012 and I was happy to have had some sort of "BYU experience", even if it was vicariously through him.

 After his Bachelor of Science, I anticipated that we would move on somewhere for my husband to get his Masters or that he would find a job in Texas or Florida working with their space programs or something like that.  When nothing progressed in that direction and he showed no interest to go any further in school, I thought, "Well then, I'll go!" 

A series of events unfolded and in the spring of 2013 I knew that I needed to make the attempt for BYU.  It would be another year though until I finally applied.  I was denied and was completely heartbroken.   The next few days I gathered myself together and immediately applied again.  

This time... I GOT IN!!! 

I cannot even begin to express the excitement I feel.  I reflect back on the day I celebrated my high school graduation on the summit of that mountain. Last fall, I was thrilled to hike Timp again.  I felt as if it was a symbol of the beginning of my new journey. Only this time, I had confidence.

Now with BYU finally a reality in my own life, the feelings I have in my heart today are much the same as I've had atop that summit:

Here I am, standing on the edge of my dreams looking out and realizing they are coming true.  Twelve-thousand feet high, the view from up here is exhilarating!!!  I breathe in deep, close my eyes, and savor the rays of sun on my face. My arms stretch open as wide as the blue sky before me.  I feel like I could embrace the whole world. My heart beats wildly with elated anticipation. I smile. God is good, so very, very good!  I breathe in deep again.  The fresh mountain air seems to electrify every part of my body. I'm full of hope, full of faith, ... 

I know God is guiding me...  

And now....  

I'm stepping off this ledge with both feet....  

Watch... 

me... 

2014

2015 Timp

My "Super-star" signature once again on this summit.

FLY!!!  

I found my star from last year!  It wasn't painted over, yay!
"2014 The year my dreams came true!"

-Alicia  :)

Song of the Day - "I'm Letting Go!"

Because I've always got to have a song of the day...

This one is perfect-o!

"I'm Letting Go"

My heart beats, standing on the edge

But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat

There's no turning back

I'm letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

Losing control

Of my destiny

Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

This is a giant leap of faith

Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown

Beyond my comfort zone

I'm letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

Losing control

Of my destiny

Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

Giving in to your gravity

Knowing You are holding me

I'm not afraid

Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe

Feels like I'm falling and this is the life for me

Write Your Story

When I think of sacrifice and "laying down my will" - I think the Lord really wants me to give up "my story" how I want to "write my life," how I want things to turn out.  That is what I need to let go.

I'm still waiting to hear back from BYU.  It's funny because I've been waiting for 19 years for this.  I feel that I will get in, I just don't know when.  I don't know where it will lead or see the full picture of what the Lord has planned with me there. But I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Either way...  It doesn't really matter if I make it in this time or not because I've done what I could and I trust God.  I trust His timing too.

After all, He is the AUTHOR and finisher of my faith.  This is His story to write and not mine.

......

"I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

My life

I know it's never really been mine

So do with it whatever You like

I don't know what Your plan is

But I know it's good

I want my history

To be Your legacy

Go ahead and show this world

What You've done in me

And when the music fades

I want my life to say

I let You write Your story on my heart."

-Francesca Batistelli

I want patience, and I want it now!

I'm in Mosiah 23 in my personal studies.  I came across this verse yesterday,
"...the Lord seeth fit to chasten [you, Alicia]; yea, He trieth [your] patience and [your] faith."

Yep, that's exactly how I read it, with my own name in there and everything.  As I did so, another scripture came into my mind in a personal way,

"For [you, Alicia] have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise."

I feel like saying, "I know, Lord, I know.  I am terribly impatient!  So how about imparting that gift of patience to me right now eh?!  ;) "

I came into this world seven weeks before I was due, so I guess you could say I was born impatient.
I was the little girl who on family vacations would need my parents to pull off to the side of the road every 20 minutes so I could pee.
 I'm the girl who took piano from age 6 to 12 and have nothing to show for it because I  didn't have the patience to keep practicing. (I remember spending more time hanging upside-down on the piano bench with my feet on the keys, staring out at the living room, imagining myself walking on the ceiling).
When I was seven, I couldn't contain emotions around my childhood crush any longer, I tackled him, pinned his arms to the ground and planted a ginormous kiss on his face (then I ran and hid).
When I was sixteen, I pulled into a Chevron with a car full of my drama friends, I was so excited to go to the cast party with everyone that I forgot to put the nozzle back on the pump, drove away, and ripped it clean off the hose. (My friends still haven't let me live that down.  You should have seen the clerks face when I handed him the nozzle. Priceless!!)
And I can't even begin to list all the books I've read only half-way through because I was too impatient to finish them.
The one that takes the cake though is that it took exactly 16 weeks for me to marry my husband.  Yep, exactly 16 weeks from the very first date (blind date) to the day of our wedding.  (And anyone who knows my husband will know that making fast decisions, especially in regards to really big decisions, are NOT in his nature.)

Yes, I'm in desperate need of patience.  *Sigh*

The words from my favorite talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland rings in my ears:

"It is simply a truism that nothing very valuable can come without significant sacrifice and effort and patience on our part....

Troilus, whose impatient love for Cressida makes him something of a basket case, teaches us a valuable lesson. 
“He that will have a cake out of the wheat must tarry the grinding,” Pandarus says to Troilus. 
“Have I not tarried?” Troilus pouts.

Pandarus: Ay, the grinding; but you must tarry the bolting.

Troilus: Have I not tarried?

Pandarus: Ay, the bolting; but you must tarry the leavening.

Troilus: Still have I tarried?

Pandarus: Ay, to the leavening; but here’s yet . . . the kneading, the making of the cake, the heating of the oven, and the baking; nay, you must stay the cooling too, or you may chance to burn your lips.

[Troilus and Cressida, act 1, scene 1, lines 14ff]

The baking of life’s best cakes takes time. Don’t despair of tarrying and trying. And don’t “burn your lips” with impatience."  - Jeffery R. Holland - (However Long and Hard the Road)

It is true, the best things take time.  I can pray for patience but the Lord cannot give it to me.  Patience is not something to be given but to be grown.  However, He can give me experiences that will help me cultivate this wonderful virtue.  I'll admit that some of the experiences He gives are extremely painful.  It makes sense though," no pain / no gain." A blessing I've discovered is that the Lord can enable me to feel grateful in the present moments, the waiting isn't so hard and time goes by so much faster when "I'm anxiously engaged in [the best] causes."

Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained in a powerful talk "Endure It Well",
"Paul observed, “Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness.” (Heb. 12:11.) Such “peaceable fruit” comes only in the appointed season thereof, after the blossoms and the buds.

Otherwise, if certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change. (See Alma 32:13–16.)

Patient endurance is to be distinguished from merely being “acted upon.” Endurance is more than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to “act for ourselves” by magnifying what is allotted to us. (See Alma 29:3, 6.)"

We must always remember that we are in the process of becoming something so much more.  We must make a strong effort to "give thanks in all things" and avoid becoming bitter when the road is long. We press ahead, and we do so with songs of praise every step of the way.

"Therefore, true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z. To endure in faith and doeth God’s will. (See D&C 63:20; D&C 101:35) therefore involves much more than putting up with a circumstance." - Neal A. Maxwell

I believe that circumstances don't determine our happiness rather the truly happy make a conscious decision to choose happiness regardless of their circumstances.  And I believe the key to this is enduring faith and gratitude.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.

I am truly thankful for all the Lord gives me so that I may grow patience.  I know the fruit born of it will be that of the sweetest kind and it will be well worth the wait. Isaiah 40:31

-Alicia

School: Past and Present

Sunday evening, my parents came over for dinner.  There is rarely a time when my mom visits that she doesn't bring some old item from home to unload on us...er.. I mean "gift us" with.  I usually take it graciously, force a smile, and wait until after she leaves before I throw it away.  Bless her dear innocent heart, porcelain cats and old knitted pot holders just don't fill me with interest.

This last visit, she gave me a pile of all my report cards from Kindergarten to 12th grade.  I wasn't feeling too inclined to keep any of it but decided to look through them before I made my decision.  I forgot how poorly I did in school, especially in Jr. High and High School.  My grades were terrible, (except for Theater, Art, and Peer Tutoring special ed. students... I always got A's in those classes.)  Everything else though, the teachers all said the same thing, "Alicia would do so much better if she just focused more."  "Alicia is very cheerful but she talks too much and doesn't stay on task very well."  I guess I really was a flibbertigibbet! (By the way, that word is totally legit, I looked it up.)

Things changed for me the very end of my Jr. year.  That's when I read The Book of Mormon for the first time on my own. It was a huge pivotal experience for me. It made my last year of high school completely different.  I absolutely loved Seminary every year but my Senior year was the best because of my new habit of studying The Book of Mormon.  I decorated my bedroom with reminders of eternal truths and my room became a sacred place for me, my little sanctuary, my refuge from the troubles in my family and pressures at school.  Overall my grades improved... I could focus more and I stayed on task better.  I attribute it all to having a greater measure of the Spirit in my life.  I look back at the experiences that unfolded as a direct result of daily scripture study.  It was miraculous!

When it came time to graduate, my cumulative scores never would have landed me in a fine university and  I had to settle with the community college. While there, I served on the Institute Council and applied to be an EFY Counselor at BYU.  I thought, "maybe if I can't go to BYU as a student, I could at least have an experience working there with youth."  I didn't make it in.  I'm pretty certain it was because I still had a lot of growing up to do.  I think I was too awkward and immature... probably still too much of a fliberty thingy. (and that's not a word.)

Now, here it is 2015, and I'm trying to get in as a student at BYU.  I'm a little late in trying but hopefully I'm a little more ready now. I'm so anxious to know if I'll get accepted into their Communications Program.  This "waiting on the Lord" is killing me!  If I get denied again, I'm going to be so terribly sad (I'm not going to lie.)  But I'll do some homework, make some adjustments, and I'll apply again.  Because, even though I'm still a little awkward and immature, there is one thing I have learned through the years and that is... I don't quit!!  I am focused this time, my eyes are fixed on exactly what I want and I'll do whatever it takes to get there.

 

1995-96 Getting ready for school in my room / sanctuary.

-Alicia