Light

We're studying the Book of Mormon as a ward family again this summer.  It's pretty awesome the way it works:  We all read the same pages together each day so we can be pondering the same verses. We share what we learn on our ward Facebook page and unify ourselves in heart and mind.  I loved doing this last year and am very excited to be doing it again!

I love the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon.  I've read it over twenty something times and it never grows old to me.  The first time I read it was my Jr. year in high school.  (I keep thinking it was my Sr. year but it must have been my Jr. year because the friend of mine who challenged me to read was a grade above me and he was a Sr.) Anyway, it doesn't really matter when, the fact is - It was an amazing experience!

A couple of days ago, I was thinking about the power that comes into our lives when we sincerely study the scriptures and plant them deep within our hearts.  I thought back on where it began for me.

Before I ever read the Book of Mormon on my own, we had family scripture study on a somewhat regular basis.  It was more of a contentious time, a "shut-up-sit-down" environment if you know what I mean.  The spirit was difficult to feel.  My dad was so strict and incredibly controlling, smacking us if we didn't sit still.  It was very wrong the way he went about it.  I look back though and even amidst the memory of it being rigid, forceful, and frustrating, I'm glad my parents at least tried to read on those occasions.  They've definitely learned to loosen up since then and I'm proud of them for that.

One of the best decisions I ever made was to enroll in Seminary.  I took it from 9th grade until 12th.  My 9th grade seminary teacher constantly encouraged us to study the scriptures for ourselves.  I admit, the idea of reading the entire Book of Mormon from cover to cover seemed daunting to me at that age and, like I said, I never did read it that way until my Jr. year.  But my freshman seminary teacher was inspired and suggested I try a study-by-topic method.  "Pick a topic in the Topical Guide" he said "And go through all those verses with that word and study them."  I liked the method of study he suggested and decided to give it a try.

The topic I chose was "light."  I took my set of scriptures, searched the word light in the Topical Guide and combed through highlighting and studying all the scriptures I could find related to it.  It was a wonderful experience!  After that, I often bore testimony of this method, sharing with others my experience studying light and encouraging my friends to do the same with their own topic.

I think it's so fitting that light is what I chose because since then, the scriptures truly have been a "lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path." (Psalms 119:105)

Never any day have I needed to walk in darkness because I have had this light of truth to guide me.  I know that if ever there is confusion, a loss of direction, a sense of not really knowing where to go or what to do, we can receive direct, clear, and distinct answers through the power of prayer and deliberate, intentional, scripture study (both ancient and modern.)  I have witnessed it for myself time and time again.  It is a tested, tried, and proved method for revelation.  We can know of things to come and also be content with not knowing the timing or the details.  The Word is God, it is Light and Truth.  And when the Word is received and applied, it brings REST and peace of mind... no matter the test, no matter the circumstances.  This fixes my mind, heart, body, and soul on Truth.  This is faith in action!  This brings peace.

"Rest... is the mind at leisure from itself.  It is the perfect poise of the soul; the absolute adjustment of the inward man to the stress of all outward things; the preparedness against every emergency; the stability of assured convictions; the eternal calm of an invulnerable faith; the repose of a heart set deep in God.  It is the mood of the man who says, with Browning, 'God's in His Heaven, all's well with the world.'" - Henry Drummond

-Alicia

Daily Determines Destiny

Like Nephi, "I do not know the meaning of all things" but I do know that God "loves His children" and that He has blessed us with the ability to commune with Him through constant prayer.  "The scriptures are laid before [us]" (Alma 30:44) and we have the words of living prophets to guide us. As we seek, we will find, I know this!  If we seek light and truth, the Lord will guide us to light and truth.  (D&C 88:40-41)

The key is to be spiritually minded:

 "Don’t let something you don’t fully understand unravel everything you do know. Be patient, cling to truth; understanding will come. Trials are like great mists of darkness that can blind our eyes and harden our hearts. Unless we are “continually holding fast” to the word of God and living it, we will become spiritually blinded rather than spiritually minded. Search the Book of Mormon and the words of the living prophets every day, every day, every day! It’s the key to spiritual survival and avoiding deception. Without it, we are spiritually lost." - Elder Kevin W. Pearson (April, 2015 General Conference -Stay By the Tree)

I don't know the meaning of all things.  But I do know that holding to, applying, seeking and studying the words of God must be part of "my every day" and if I do this, I will be guided right. I have been promised that never any day will I need to walk in darkness but will have the light of truth along my journey.  

That Light is available to anyone and everyone who seeks it:

"That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world." -John 1:19

Lead kindly light!  I pray for eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart that understands the will of the Lord for me in my every day choices. - (Matthew 13:16)

"Our daily discipleship will determine our eternal destiny. Awaken unto God, cling to truth, keep your sacred temple covenants, and stay by the tree!" - Elder Kevin W. Pearson (April, 2015 General Conference -Stay By the Tree)

How grateful I am for a loving Father in Heaven who hears my constant prayers!  He knows my heart. 

-Alicia :)

Godly Fear Dispels Mortal Fear

I got up at 4:30 this morning as to assure me some time to finish my homework due for class today.   I missed my regular study time last night to participate in a face to face broadcast with Elder Bednar.  It was a very worthy exchange!  I love Elder Bednar's words!!!  I've been reading his series of books, Increase in Learning, Act in Doctrine, and Power to Become.

I crawled out of bed and went out to my favorite spot in my living room to pray, my little place of treasured communion with my Father.  I had a lot to do within a few short hours but I wanted to start my day off right.  I cracked open the scriptures and read more words on faith and trust, some of which seemed to speak my name, "Prepare your mind [Alicia]. [I] exhort you unto faith and to patience." (Alma 34:3)  

Ah, yes... faith and patience.  I pray for that with all of my heart.

I was blessed to have finished my homework sooner than expected.  This was an answer to my prayer because I was anxious to take a moment to soak up some comforting words and turned to Elder Bednar's recent conference address.  
... Ah, Just what I needed.  

I have shared below the parts that stood out to me the most.  What a blessing that we have this fountain of living water, these words of the living prophets, the scriptures, and our communion with our Father in Heaven through prayer.  They restore my soul!

-Alicia

.......................

Mortal Fear
"The distressing emotion of fear arises because of impending danger, uncertainty, or pain and through experiences that are unexpected, sometimes sudden, and likely to produce a negative outcome.

Fear is dispelled through a correct knowledge of and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ

Nephi declared: “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life” (2 Nephi 31:20).

The disciplined endurance described in this verse is the result of spiritual understanding and vision, persistence, patience, and God’s grace. Exercising faith in and on the holy name of Jesus Christ, meekly submitting to His will and timing in our lives, and humbly acknowledging His hand in all things yield the peaceable things of the kingdom of God that bring joy and eternal life (see D&C 42:61). Even as we encounter difficulties and face the uncertainties of the future, we can cheerfully persevere and live a “peaceable life in all godliness and honesty” (1 Timothy 2:2).

We can be blessed to hush our fears as we receive the fortitude that comes from learning and living gospel principles and resolutely pressing forward on the covenant pathway."

...........

Godly Fear

"The righteous fear I am attempting to describe encompasses a deep feeling of reverence, respect, and awe for the Lord Jesus Christ (see Psalm 33:8; 96:4), obedience to His commandments (see Deuteronomy 5:29; 8:6; 10:12; 13:4; Psalm 112:1)

Godly fear “is the beginning of knowledge” (Proverbs 1:7), “the instruction of wisdom” (Proverbs 15:33), a “strong confidence” (Proverbs 14:26), and “a fountain of life” (Proverbs 14:27).

Godly fear is loving and trusting in Him. As we fear God more completely, we love Him more perfectly. And “perfect love casteth out all fear” (Moroni 8:16). I promise the bright light of godly fear will chase away the dark shadows of mortal fears (see D&C 50:25) as we look to the Savior, build upon Him as our foundation, and press forward on His covenant path with consecrated commitment.

I love and revere the Lord. His power and peace are real. He is our Redeemer, and I witness He lives. And because of Him, our hearts need not be troubled or afraid (see John 14:27), and we will be blessed to hush our fears." 

- David A. Bednar (Therefore They Hushed Their Fears)

Puzzle Piece Perspective

My dad used to always counsel me, "You can't see the forest for the trees."  As a young teenager, I didn't understand what he meant by that.  Of course, it's obvious to me now, he meant I lacked perspective.

I don't know how much I cared whether or not I had correct perspective back then, but now I hunger and thirst for it... I pray for it! I desire with all my heart to see clearly.  I want to see with the Spirit and not with my own eyes. - Jacob 4:13

I'm so thankful for prayer.  What an amazing listener our Father in Heaven is, I have so much to learn about that wonderful quality!  Prayer is my healing balm, my lifeline, my connection to my Truest Friend.  (Some may speculate in the ability to communicate with heaven but I've had too many experiences in my life that confirm the validity of prayer and I cannot deny it.)  My questions need answers, my soul needs direction, my hurt needs healing, my eyes need vision, my heart needs changing, and I know He is mighty to bless me with all of this and more.

The Savior taught: “Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you” (3 Ne. 18:20). “Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing” (D&C 19:38).

The Apostle James encourages, “The … fervent prayer of a righteous [person] availeth much” (James 5:16). 

What does fervent mean?  It means intense, sincere, impassioned, and heartfelt.  Have you had prayers like that, so intense that you feel as if the very flesh of your heart is being torn? I have.  It may not sound pleasant to some but I honestly cherish such moments in prayer only because I know I'm in the safest possible place to be so raw and exposed.

In the scriptures we are commanded to "pray always." How is this done? Alma 34:27 teaches us to keep our prayers in our hearts, “When you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” 

Prayer is the key that unlocks the door of revelation.

President Boyd K. Packer counseled, "Learn to pray. Pray often. Pray in your mind, in your heart. Pray on your knees. Prayer is your personal key to heaven. The lock is on your side of the veil. And I have learned to conclude all my prayers with 'Thy will be done'" (Matthew 6:10; see also Luke 11:2; 3 Nephi 13:10).

In direct answer to my prayers yesterday, I was led straight to a talk from conference all about perspective.  Interesting that my Heavenly Father would give me the same counsel my earthly father gave me so many years ago.  I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do.

The story of my life is like a gigantic jigsaw puzzle.  Through prayer I have laid all the pieces across the table.  I graciously thank my loving Father in Heaven for the exciting opportunity of putting together this picture of my life with Him.  He watches over me and gives me help as I ask.  There's an amazing sense of satisfaction when I find pieces that snap perfectly into place, knowing just how and why they relate, revealing more of the bigger picture.

Then I have this group of other pieces; I know they are part of the puzzle, I've held them, examined them closely, and searched for their appropriate position.  I can see the colors and style of cut match with the overall puzzle. I know they belong in the big picture somehow, so I hang on to them. Sometimes I gaze at them for hours...  for the life of me, I cannot see how they can even be possible. I want to find their place!  Like a child, I grow frustrated and discouraged and cry out to my Father, "I don't want to deal with these pieces anymore! I don't know where they belong!"
He lovingly tells me, "Then don't try to make them fit right now, Alicia, and don't quit or throw these ones away either.   Keep putting together the pieces you do understand and one by one, over time, you will see exactly how these other ones belong in your life and you will know right where they go. Be patient."
This brought me comfort.  I pray for patience.

In this same talk Elder Rafael E. Pino shares a story about the raw marble and how the sculptor sees the finished piece:
"As the sculptor was chiseling a block of marble, a boy came every day and watched shyly. When the figure of David emerged and appeared from that stone, complete for all the world to admire, the boy asked Michelangelo, ‘How did you know he was in there?"

This was also what I needed to hear and caused me to recall the lyrics to my Masterpiece, the song I played over and over and memorized into my heart so many years ago.

I love how personal my Father in Heaven is.  I love and cherish the power of prayer.  I thank Him for His devotion to such an impatient soul.  He gently guides and lovingly listens.  He has provided me with His words through scripture, through His servants, and through the Spirit of revelation.  What an invaluable truth!

-Alicia

Learning CharACTer

When working through difficulties or particular challenges, how often have we heard the phrase, "This will be good for you, it builds character."

What is character?

It is the sum of the soul.  It is the qualities and attributes that make up one's personality, who they truly are. It is character that determines destiny, NOT appearances, prestige, popularity, or circumstance.  

How is character reveled within each of us?  Martin Luther King taught, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."  

In Lectures on Faith, Joseph Smith described that one of the three things "necessary in order that any rational and intelligent being may exercise faith in [the Father and Son] unto life and salvation is a correct idea of [Their] character, perfections, and attributes:" (page 33)

How do we gain a correct idea of the character of Christ?  We observe and study His life and His teachings... but there's more to learning than just studying, it must also be by faith. - D&C 109:7

"Faith is a principle of action... Faith in Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action."

 -Bible Dictionary 

There's an old saying that you never truly understand a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.  In order to understand the character of Christ, we must "walk a mile" in His shoes, we must try to be like Him in whatever circumstances.  Learning to walk in the footsteps of the Savior doesn't happen overnight.  The Lord is patient with us just as a father is patient with his children when they attempt to take their first steps.  Every time they stumble, he encourages them to keep trying and his heart is overjoyed with every success.  It requires constant effort and God is proud of all who are sincerely and genuinely doing their best.   

Learning the character of Christ requires acting out what we learn.  And in order to "act" out what we have learned from our great Teacher, we must be given circumstances that test us and try us.  Because of this knowledge, I am grateful for the challenges that confront me.  Challenges are opportunities for me to exercise my agency, to practice in faith/action what I have learned by study.  

Learning the CharACTer of Christ comes from acting as He would act, from practicing over and over what He would do.   

I am genuinely grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who is incredibly patient with me.  He doesn't scorn me when I stumble but sees it as a "good fall" because he sees my heart, He sees I'm trying.  The faith He places in me stirs within my soul a greater love and admiration for His character, I have a greater desire to become as He is.  So I'll keep learning, keep practicing, keep trying, and through His amazing grace, I won't just walk, I'll run!

"Live your life to be a good example of what you believe—in word and deed. How we live our religion is far more important than what we may say about our religion.

Our Savior’s Second Coming is drawing nearer. Let us not delay in this great cause. Remember Captain Moroni, who hoisted the title of liberty inscribed with the words “In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children.”  Let us remember the people’s response: exercising their agency, they “came running together” with a covenant to act.

My beloved brothers and sisters, don’t walk! Run! Run to receive the blessings of agency by following the Holy Ghost and exercising the freedoms God has given us to do His will." 

- Elder Robert D. Hales

(Also see - The transforming Power of Faith and Character by, Richard G. Scott)

One thing I really love about this video is it's not just a loving father who encourages but also loving brothers and sisters.  How thankful I am for my brothers and sisters in the Gospel who cheer and inspire me every step of the way. Oh how I love them!

-Alicia

By the Spirit of Revelation

(This talk never grows old to me.    Sometimes I doubt that which I felt was revelation... not because I doubt God.... but because I doubt myself.  I am aware of my weaknesses and it's easy to feel after receiving a very clear answer through fasting and prayer that it was all in my head.  I truly need this encouragement as I continue to seek revelation in my life.  These are the parts of Elder Holland's talk that encouraged me most today.)

.............

"I... believe that the adversary and his pinched, calculating little minions try to oppose [our revelation] experiences and then try to darken them after they happen. But that is not the way of the gospel. That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims as the fundamental fact of the Restoration the spirit of revelation. Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going. With Paul, I say to all of you:

“Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.  For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.” 

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."

"Like Moses in that vision, there may come after the fact some competing doubts and confusion, but it will pale when you measure it against the real thing. Remember the real thing. Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and you got it. The Red Sea will open to the honest seeker of revelation."

"Oliver Cowdery, who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn’t seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity, the Lord said, “You did not continue as you commenced.” Does that sound familiar to those who have been illuminated and then knuckled under to second thoughts and returning doubts?"

"After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward."

"If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence

"Let them be for signs, and for seasons"

"And I, God, said: Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven, to divide the day from the night, and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and for years" - Moses 2:14

If we are "not watching" we may begin to deny the existence of God.  We may begin to doubt in His power, promises, and His love.
"And if that servant is not found watching, he will say in his heart, My Lord delayeth his coming" JST Luke 12:54

It is interesting that in these last days, during these "signs and seasons" the night sky is often veiled to us and it seems as if the "lights in the heavens" have gone out.  But on the other hand, we also live in a time where with the right tools we can actually see the stars better than any other people who have lived on the earth ever could.

Several weeks ago, we had the opportunity to pull out my husband's telescope with some friends of ours.  We could see Venus, Mars, and the cloud bands on Jupiter as well as its moons.  We saw The Orion Nebula and The Seven Sisters.  We could also see the craters of our own moon with enough clarity that you could see the shadows they cast and their depth.  It was AMAZING!

I love that we have this "parable in the sky".
We might ask ourselves? "What are two main things that prevent us from seeing the stars on a dark clear night?"  I propose that they are the same things that prevent us from seeing the "signs and seasons" the "glory of God" in these last days.

Pollution and Man-made Lights

1. Pollution- "Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth; there shall be murders, and robbing, and lying, and deceivings, and whoredoms, and all manner of abominations; when there shall be many who will say, Do this, or do that, and it mattereth not, for the Lord will uphold such at the last day. But wo unto such, for they are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity." - Mormon 8:31

2. Man-made lights-  "He commandeth that there shall be no priestcrafts; for, behold, priestcrafts are that men preach and set themselves up for a light unto the world, that they may get gain and praise of the world; but they seek not the welfare of Zion. - 2 Nephi 26:29

If these two things prevent us from seeing the stars, the signs in the heavens, and the glory of God, is it possible that these two things might also prevent us from seeing the worth and beauty in others?  How do we have the "eyes to see" what are the "tools" we are given?

Tools to See the "Stars" Clearly

Tool #1 The Spirit - "The spirit sees things as they really are and as they really will be." - Jacob 4:13   If it is by the Spirit that we come to know God, shouldn't that be the same means by which we come to know one another?  I believe that when we earnestly seek the Spirit we will find God everywhere!

Tool #2 The Word of God - In Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life, it was the word of God "the iron rod" that led them to the fruit.  It guides individuals through the darkness, the confusion and lies.
-1 Nephi 15:23-24

Tool #3 Prayer and Fasting - This is the door to heaven.  "I wonder if we can ever really fathom the immense power of prayer until we encounter an overpowering, urgent problem and realize that we are powerless to resolve it. Then we will turn to our Father in humble recognition of our total dependence on Him. It helps to find a secluded place where our feelings can be vocally expressed as long and as intensely as necessary." - Richard G. Scott  
Fasting helps us have a vision outside ourselves, we offer up a sacrifice to show how much we care and what we are willing to suffer on another's behalf.  I believe that a person who cherishes and keeps the law of the fast, understands more fully the love of our Savior. 

Tool #4 Covenants - If prayer and fasting are the doorway to heaven then I believe that making and keeping sacred covenants are what holds that door open.  When we are serious about our covenants, when we honor them in word and deed, it is a demonstration of our love, testimony, and devotion to God and our fellow man. And because covenants go two ways, we can rest assure that the promises from our Father in Heaven are solid.  They give us hope and reason to press on, "they produce the faith necessary to persevere and to do all things that are expedient in the Lord. Our willingness to take upon us the name of Christ and keep His commandments requires a degree of faith, but as we honor our covenants, that faith expands. In the first place, the promised fruits of obedience become evident, which confirms our faith. Secondly, the Spirit communicates God’s pleasure, and we feel secure in His continued blessing and help. Thirdly, come what may, we can face life with hope and equanimity, knowing that we will succeed in the end because we have God’s promise to us individually, by name, and we know He cannot lie" - D. Todd Christofferson (see Enos 1:6; Ether 3:12).

"The Lord Shall Guide Thee"

I believe God wants to reveal Himself to us, He wants the veil to be lifted and our eyes to be opened, to see the glory of His kingdom, the signs and wonders that sing out His name.  Prove Him through prayer, fasting, scriptures, and covenants and He will "open the windows of heaven" and the "stars will shine brighter than ever before", His spirit will be so abundant in your life that you'll be overwhelmed with "not room enough to receive it".

"In every part and portion of the revelations of God as given to the children of men, or to any individual in heaven or on earth, to understand them properly, a man needs the Spirit by which they were given—the Spirit that reveals such matters to the understanding, and makes them familiar to the mind.. ...we should all live so that the Spirit of revelation could dictate and write on the heart and tell us what we should do" - Brigham Young

-Alicia

The Need To Breathe

 It is said that a dispassionate young man approached the Greek philosopher and casually said, "O great Socrates, I come to you for knowledge."

The philosopher took the young man down to the sea, waded in with him, and then dunked him under the water for thirty seconds.

When he let the young man up for air, Socrates asked him to repeat what he wanted. "Knowledge, O great one," he sputtered.

Socrates put him under the water again, only this time a little longer.

After repeated dunkings and responses, the philosopher asked, "What do you want?" The young man finally gasped, "Air. I want air!"

"Good," answered Socrates. "Now, when you want knowledge as much as you wanted air, you shall have it.

.................

I must have been about 18 or 19 when I discovered the song, "Masterpiece" by, Julie De Azevedo.  I fell in love with the lyrics because they expressed so perfectly the feelings I had in my own heart.  I listened to it so much that I could have sung it in my sleep.  This song is my soul's most sincere desire. I want to know my Father in Heaven's will for me, I want it written on my heart.  I want to become who He would have me become!!  I need this like I need to breathe.

- Alicia

.................

Masterpiece

Simple clay in a potter's hand, an empty page and an author's pen,
An artist's brush to a canvas white, and a work of art comes to life.
Marble raw, but the sculptor sees, the masterpiece that lies beneath.
Though rough and marred the Master's touch, will change this life, into his work of love.
So everyday I pray...

He'll write His will upon my heart, Mold my soul to His design,
Adding color depth and light, And polishing until I shine shine shine!
Oh my heart is in His hands, He's painting the life He'd have me lead.
Through refining floods and flames, He's smoothing edges and the seams,
And in time time time, Oh this simple life will be ....
A Masterpiece

Snowy peaks, water-color skys, His works of beauty fill my eyes
But He sees nothing more beautiful than a heart submissive to His will

I want to know His will!

So everyday I pray...
He'll write His will upon my heart, Mold my soul to His design,
Adding color depth and light, And polishing until I shine shine shine!
Oh my heart is in His hands, He's painting the life He'd have me lead.
Through refining floods and flames, He's smoothing edges and the seams,
And in time time time, Oh this simple life will be ....
A Masterpiece
My Master's Masterpiece

- Julie De Azevedo

My Prayer

My Prayer 

Fill my mind with virtue, 

Keep it free from sin. 

Fill my heart with love unfeigned, 

Root out bitterness within. 

May my lips be seared 

From any unkind word, 

Let Thy Spirit guide my tongue 

So angels can be heard. 

Keep me from complaint, 

From ever wanting more. 

Help me see all that I have 

And all that lies in store. 

Open up my ears to hear 

Thy will for me this day. 

Seal my wandering heart to Thee 

And never let me stray. 

Bless my hands with power 

To lift those hanging down. 

Fill my soul with Thy light, 

Make my smile turn their frown. 

Keep my feet upon the path 

That leads me straight to Thee. 

Let me walk with confidence, 

Trusting all I cannot see. 

Strip me from my foolish pride, 

From all desire for praise. 

Help me bring souls unto Christ 

Give Him glory all my days.

By, Alicia Rawlins

2011

"Rejoice Evermore"

I love experiences where you pour your whole soul and heart out in prayer and then go to the scriptures and find words that speak directly to you.  Yesterday in family scripture study, both my husband and I took a few minutes to bear testimony of this principle.

I treasure my sacred moments with the Lord, where I can pray out loud and hold nothing back from Him.  He hears me and He knows everything in my heart.

I'm almost finished with "Increase in Learning" the first book of a three part series by, David A. Bednar.  If there is one thing I desire more to learn than anything else, it is to have a greater measure of the Spirit in my life.  I want eyes to see clearly and to be able to discern between truth and error every minute of every day.  It's easy for me to pray about but harder to apply.  I am thankful that I have a merciful Heavenly Father who is patient with me in my weakness.

After some pretty soulful prayers yesterday, I opened my book by Elder Bednar and saw he had listed several scriptures in the context of his writing.  I took a few minutes to look up each scripture and through that process came across some that I truly needed to hear!

"Fear not [Alicia], let your heart be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;  Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament - the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.  Therefore, He giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted [or will be afflicted] shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord"  - D&C 98:1-3

Then in cross-reference, I read these scriptures:

"Blessed be the Lord, because He hath heard the voice of my supplications.  The Lord is my strength and my shield: my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him." - Psalms 28:6-7

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say on the Lord." - Psalms 27:14

I resolve today to rejoice and give thanks in all things. I truly have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  What a wonderful, wonderful life I have right here and NOW.  I am so richly blessed!   I know my prayers are heard.  I trust that "[My] God doth undertake to guide [my] future as he has [my] past. [My] hope, [my] confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last." - Be Still My Soul 

I want to focus on the present moments and not let the little opportunities I have with my husband and my children to pass me by.  And with each moment I'm given here and now, I want to make the kinds of choices that better prepare me for what lies ahead, even though I can't see what that means for me.  Ultimately, I am preparing to meet my Savior when He returns to earth or when I leave this life - I want to be ready, I want to live by the Spirit and have my lamp full and trimmed, adorned for Him by the choices I've made and all I've treasured in my heart upon this journey.

-Alicia

"Everything we hope to accomplish in the future, how we prepare for the responsibilities that will ultimately be ours, is really a function of what we do today. Though some things about the future will always seem uncertain, the future is not entirely a mystery. To a great extent the future is shaped by the accumulation of all our daily activities and disciplined efforts." - Craig C. Christensen
"Tomorrow is Today"

Feels Like Home

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a loved-one's home where family is gathered for dinner, that feeling when you are greeted with warm embraces, well-known faces, and the aroma of freshly baked rolls?  Well, it was that kind of feeling I had experienced...  and it's funny because the place I entered into at that moment was one I had never set foot in before.  I didn't even know the tenants and had just barely met the landlord who was giving me and my husband "the tour."  The apartment was cluttered with boxes and junk everywhere, nothing was cooking and I'm quite certain the actual smell of the place was not a flavorful aroma.  Yet as sure as anything, when I walked through that door, I had a very clear and distinct experience.

After our tour of the place, my husband and I walked back to our little red Nissan. He pulled out a paper and scribbled down some notes as I sat in silence and tried to make sense of what just happened.
Then turning to my husband, I asked in a perplexed tone, "Did you feel that!??"
"Feel what?" He asked
"That was really strange." I said staring back at the apartment building.
"What was really strange?" He prodded.
"When we walked through that apartment, I felt like I was entering a family member's home.  The atmosphere, everything about the place... I could practically smell freshly baked rolls too.  And yet, there was none of that.  Joseph, it was so crazy!   I felt it so strong.  It was a feeling like 'coming home!'"

A few weeks passed and it turned out that small apartment did end up being our home.  It's probably a good thing I had such a strong feeling when we toured our little place because I was not impressed with the fact that there were no washer or dryer hookups and there wasn't much of a yard for the kids to play in either.  (Besides, we had another option of a place we liked a little better just about three blocks south if only we could make the follow-up contact with that landlord.)  But here we are and we have lived in this place almost four times as long as we have lived anywhere else.

Now in retrospect, I can't help but think of the numerous occasions I came to Provo before my husband ever even started school here.

Come to think of it, this is actually where I lived for the very first month of my life.  There was no room for me at the Newborn Intensive Care Unit in SLC so they flew me here.   My mom would drive two hours round-trip every day to UV Hospital in order to nurse me for those first several weeks.  This was my first home.

Provo was a place my husband visited often his whole life.  Ever since he was a little boy, his family has had the tradition of coming down to Provo for two things; Memorial Day and the Freedom Festival.  We married in the fall of 1999 so the very next year was my first time joining him in those two family traditions.  Since 2000 I have been coming to these events here every single year.

Every Memorial Day we'd visit the cemetery, get pictures taken with his family and have a lovely little picnic at one of Provo's parks.  For the Freedom Festival, we always came to watch the big parade and camped out several times in front of the Library on University Avenue. My personal favorite was running over to the baseball field to see the hot air balloons launch at sunrise.

Year after year we came to Provo.  Little did I know then that I would move here.  Little did I know how I would completely fall in love with this place or that here my dreams would come true.  But I know now, without any doubt that the Lord has been guiding me all along.  It's exciting to think about because He continues to guide me.  It's true... I don't know what my future holds but I know Who holds my future.  I trust Him.

I look ahead prospectively at BYU and am so happy to say now that I will be staying for a very long time. This is where I'm meant to be. This is truly home to me.

-Alicia

A Mountain Under My Feet

June 8th, 1996 - 

We hiked the summit of Timp to celebrate my high school graduation that took place a couple of days earlier.

As I stood on that summit and looked across the valley, I was absolutely breath-taken with the view and the incredible feeling of accomplishment of having an entire mountain under my feet!  I'd like to say that at that moment in my life,  I had confidence in my abilities to achieve other great things too. But the truth is, I didn't.  I never even bothered trying to get into BYU because I was certain that I wouldn't make it.  I ended up settling for the Community College and admittedly I enjoyed my schooling there.  I was heavily involved on the Institute Council and really liked my classes.  

After about a year, I discovered some good friends of mine were applying to be EFY counselors.  They encouraged me to do the same.  I loved the idea of having some sort of "BYU experience" in my life and thought, "If I can't get in as a student, maybe I could at least teach the youth and live on campus for a summer." I applied, but didn't make it in.  It was an un-achievable dream in my heart, "Who was I kidding anyway?"  My flame of hope had gone out...   But I believe somewhere deep within me, there must have still been an ember.  

Years later, when my husband Joseph got accepted to BYU's Science program in the spring of 2008, I think I was more excited than he was.  In fact, he was debating whether or not to accept a separate offer at the University of Utah.  I remember eagerly encouraging him, "Honey, you have to take this!!  It's BYU, how can there be any debate in your mind?!"

That June, we packed up our little family and moved to Provo for him to go to school. (I was a couple of weeks away from the due date of my forth child.)  Joseph spent many hours up on campus so I would often take the children with me to visit him in his research office.  So many times, as I walked up those stairs in the Science building, I would look out the large window across campus and think to myself, "some day, I want it to be my turn here."  He graduated in August of 2012 and I was happy to have had some sort of "BYU experience", even if it was vicariously through him.

 After his Bachelor of Science, I anticipated that we would move on somewhere for my husband to get his Masters or that he would find a job in Texas or Florida working with their space programs or something like that.  When nothing progressed in that direction and he showed no interest to go any further in school, I thought, "Well then, I'll go!" 

A series of events unfolded and in the spring of 2013 I knew that I needed to make the attempt for BYU.  It would be another year though until I finally applied.  I was denied and was completely heartbroken.   The next few days I gathered myself together and immediately applied again.  

This time... I GOT IN!!! 

I cannot even begin to express the excitement I feel.  I reflect back on the day I celebrated my high school graduation on the summit of that mountain. Last fall, I was thrilled to hike Timp again.  I felt as if it was a symbol of the beginning of my new journey. Only this time, I had confidence.

Now with BYU finally a reality in my own life, the feelings I have in my heart today are much the same as I've had atop that summit:

Here I am, standing on the edge of my dreams looking out and realizing they are coming true.  Twelve-thousand feet high, the view from up here is exhilarating!!!  I breathe in deep, close my eyes, and savor the rays of sun on my face. My arms stretch open as wide as the blue sky before me.  I feel like I could embrace the whole world. My heart beats wildly with elated anticipation. I smile. God is good, so very, very good!  I breathe in deep again.  The fresh mountain air seems to electrify every part of my body. I'm full of hope, full of faith, ... 

I know God is guiding me...  

And now....  

I'm stepping off this ledge with both feet....  

Watch... 

me... 

2014

2015 Timp

My "Super-star" signature once again on this summit.

FLY!!!  

I found my star from last year!  It wasn't painted over, yay!
"2014 The year my dreams came true!"

-Alicia  :)

Song of the Day - "I'm Letting Go!"

Because I've always got to have a song of the day...

This one is perfect-o!

"I'm Letting Go"

My heart beats, standing on the edge

But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat

There's no turning back

I'm letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

Losing control

Of my destiny

Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

This is a giant leap of faith

Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown

Beyond my comfort zone

I'm letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

Losing control

Of my destiny

Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

Giving in to your gravity

Knowing You are holding me

I'm not afraid

Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe

Feels like I'm falling and this is the life for me

Write Your Story

When I think of sacrifice and "laying down my will" - I think the Lord really wants me to give up "my story" how I want to "write my life," how I want things to turn out.  That is what I need to let go.

I'm still waiting to hear back from BYU.  It's funny because I've been waiting for 19 years for this.  I feel that I will get in, I just don't know when.  I don't know where it will lead or see the full picture of what the Lord has planned with me there. But I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Either way...  It doesn't really matter if I make it in this time or not because I've done what I could and I trust God.  I trust His timing too.

After all, He is the AUTHOR and finisher of my faith.  This is His story to write and not mine.

......

"I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

My life

I know it's never really been mine

So do with it whatever You like

I don't know what Your plan is

But I know it's good

I want my history

To be Your legacy

Go ahead and show this world

What You've done in me

And when the music fades

I want my life to say

I let You write Your story on my heart."

-Francesca Batistelli

Faith of My Mothers

In the fall of 1962 in Madison, Wisconsin, my mom was introduced to the Church by a friend of hers.  My mother immediately informed her mom about this new religion she had found and my grandma instantly wanted to know more.  My mom was baptized a couple of months later along with my grandma and grandpa.

My grandma was born in 1908 and passed away in 1996.

The memories I have of my grandma are not the most favorable.  Her house smelled like moth balls and onions.  All of her furniture was covered in cat hair because of the numerous strays she'd let in.  She was very short and wore floral patterned silk dresses that emphasized all the wrong curves on her body. She had thin pursed lips and always tied her hair up tight into a bun that perfectly matched her rigid disposition.  She was staunch and stubborn, an orthodoxed bible-thumper, and a blunt little nitpicker (which would explain why my grandpa absolutely refused to wear his hearing aids.)

My cousin, Julia, and I used to entertain each other with our impersonations of the crazy things grandma would say or do, acting out her quirky gestures and facial expressions, pretending to talk without teeth and toot every time we sat down.  We would roll on the floor laughing until we cried .  It was probably not very considerate to humor ourselves at her expense, but such was the "innocence" of our adolescence.

I regret that these were really the only memories I had to hold on to when she passed away.  I remember the closing hymn at her funeral was "Nearer My God to Thee."  As an 18 yr. old, and a little more contemplative about spiritual things, during that hymn  I felt a deep sense of gratitude that she always sought to draw nearer to God, She spent a great deal of her life searching for truth, had attended many different religions, and finally found the fullness of the Gospel that fall in '62.  I felt sorry that she was gone before I had taken the time to get to know my grandma more. 

It's funny because I felt like I knew my dad's mother much better than my mom's.  My dad's mom passed away from breast cancer long before I was born so I had no personal stories of my own interactions with her, no memories of her voice or her face, her gestures or her demeanor.  I guess the only way I became acquainted with her was listening to my dad always speak of his mom.  And yet here, my other grandmother who had been part of 18 yrs. of my life, was the one I didn't really know much about.  Perhaps if I had not let her prickly nature intimidate me, I could have peeled past her spiny shell and discovered something beautiful.

I'm not sure what compelled me to yesterday but in my family history class I felt impressed to see what memories and stories I could find about her.  I found 51 memories posted on Family Search.  I knew my aunt, Naomi, was into ancestry but didn't realize she had made so much available about my grandma. I decided that this would be how I'd spent my Sunday afternoon, reading and searching as much about grandma as I could.

I find it no coincidence that today is her birthday! (something I never knew until yesterday.) Perhaps she is the one who was compelling me to turn my heart to hers.

I discovered my grandma lived in Iowa, Minnesota, New York, Georgia, South Dakota, and Wisconsin.  When she was in her late teens, she served a Baptist mission with her parents in Barbados, West Indies.  She moved to Utah sometime in the 1970's I believe.

I found out that from the day of her wedding and every day thereafter, my grandpa never made an effort to kiss her. (It's a wonder they ever had children.)  I'm sure that grandpa's complete lack of affection was something that caused her an immense amount of pain.  Perhaps this accounts for some of her bitterness.

Living through The Great Depression, she was extremely poor and only had an 8th grade education.  Despite her lack of schooling, she loved writing stories of faith in God and especially loved poetry, so did her mother (both women after my own heart).  She was bold in her witness of The Book of Mormon, something that the rest of her family grew quite irritated with and partially distanced themselves from her because of it.  But to her dying breath, she would remain firm in her testimony of the truthfulness of that book.

On Family Search I found one of the poems she used to recite.  It's beautiful and I love how it applies to my life right now! This was an exciting discovery for me.

THE WINDS OF FATE

by Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

One ship drives east and another drives west

With the self-same winds that blow;

   'Tis the set of the sails

   And not the gales

That tells them the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the winds of fate

As we voyage along through life;

   'Tis the set of the soul

   That decides its goal

And not the calm or the strife.

Last night, I called my mom to ask her some questions about grandma.  I asked her about this poem and she confirmed that grandma was always saying, "it's the set of the soul that decides the goal".

I was surprised to learn that out of all the grandchildren, grandma really liked visiting with me because I listened to her.  I honestly don't remember that.  Even still, I like to believe that somehow she spoke to me yesterday and I listened.  I like to believe that it was her who gave me the impression to learn more about her.  It just makes today so much more special.  Happy Birthday, Grandma!

I found this picture of grandma on familysearch.org
Helen Naomi (Cushing) Thayer age: 7

-Alicia

Just another ordinary miracle...

My niece called me last night and we talked for quite some time.  Her parents are divorced and she spends the weekdays with her dad and the weekends with my sister.  She's been taught by both of them that God is man-made, that people who believe in Him are delusional and hang on to false hope.  She's been weighed down with many questions and she feels as if she's in a whirlwind of opinions.  Her mind has been spinning and she's not sure what to believe.  I encouraged her to read Joseph Smith's History, and to read it several times.  I shared with her my deep love and appreciation for Joseph Smith, that he had questions like her, and that I have no doubt He was a true prophet.

We talked at length about God and His reality.  I explained to her that we don't have to understand or have all of the answers to every single detail to know very clearly that something is real.  I asked her if she could tell me about the processes each cell, synapse, blood vessel, nerve ending, and micro-organism in her body and what they were undergoing in order for her to have the ability to be talking to me at that moment.  She admitted that she couldn't and noted that even the most knowledgeable scientists couldn't with perfect understanding... yet our communication with each other was undeniable and very real.

My conversation with my niece was wonderful.  The Spirit was felt and we wept as testimonies were born.  She breathed a sigh of relief.  I was glad that she felt better and her faith had been renewed.

Just about two weeks ago I had a similar conversation with another young women as I sat at her bedside. She too has had a lot of questions about God and life in general. I suppose there are times in all of our lives where we may wonder about the reality of heaven or if God hears our prayers.  It can be especially draining to someone's faith when they have prayed for certain miracles to happen and those specific miracles never do end up happening.  They may begin to feel that God has abandoned them all together or that He doesn't really care.

I bore testimony to her too about the reality of God and how we don't have to have all the answers to know without a doubt that something is real.  I testified too that some miracles come in different ways than what we want but they are happening around us all the time.  I explained that too often we think of miracles as a "healing of something" that we lose sight of the ordinary everyday miracles taking place inside and outside of us all the time, how our heart beats, eyes see, lungs breathe and nerves feel without us even thinking about it.  We discussed a little about the scripture in Alma 30:44

This past Sunday, a gentleman spoke about the very same thing and said, "Often, when we think of miracles, we immediately picture the blind being healed so they can see or the deaf being healed so they can hear....but we don't think about all of the millions of people that could already see and hear in the first place.  Isn't that a miracle?!"  As he said that, I thought of my conversation at the bedside of this young woman a week before and I smiled.  I love it when thoughts, testimonies, and witnesses coincide like that!

A couple of days ago, I found this video and shared it with my friend.  She hasn't responded to it but I hope it serves as another witness of what I was trying to convey to her that afternoon.

God is real, I know it!  He is our loving Father in Heaven who hears and answers every prayer.  All things testify of Him.  My heart is full of gratitude for the every-day ordinary miracles!  Life is truly amazing, what an unspeakable joy I feel for the creations and testimonies I see of Him everyday!

-Alicia

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see." - C. S. Lewis

I want patience, and I want it now!

I'm in Mosiah 23 in my personal studies.  I came across this verse yesterday,
"...the Lord seeth fit to chasten [you, Alicia]; yea, He trieth [your] patience and [your] faith."

Yep, that's exactly how I read it, with my own name in there and everything.  As I did so, another scripture came into my mind in a personal way,

"For [you, Alicia] have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise."

I feel like saying, "I know, Lord, I know.  I am terribly impatient!  So how about imparting that gift of patience to me right now eh?!  ;) "

I came into this world seven weeks before I was due, so I guess you could say I was born impatient.
I was the little girl who on family vacations would need my parents to pull off to the side of the road every 20 minutes so I could pee.
 I'm the girl who took piano from age 6 to 12 and have nothing to show for it because I  didn't have the patience to keep practicing. (I remember spending more time hanging upside-down on the piano bench with my feet on the keys, staring out at the living room, imagining myself walking on the ceiling).
When I was seven, I couldn't contain emotions around my childhood crush any longer, I tackled him, pinned his arms to the ground and planted a ginormous kiss on his face (then I ran and hid).
When I was sixteen, I pulled into a Chevron with a car full of my drama friends, I was so excited to go to the cast party with everyone that I forgot to put the nozzle back on the pump, drove away, and ripped it clean off the hose. (My friends still haven't let me live that down.  You should have seen the clerks face when I handed him the nozzle. Priceless!!)
And I can't even begin to list all the books I've read only half-way through because I was too impatient to finish them.
The one that takes the cake though is that it took exactly 16 weeks for me to marry my husband.  Yep, exactly 16 weeks from the very first date (blind date) to the day of our wedding.  (And anyone who knows my husband will know that making fast decisions, especially in regards to really big decisions, are NOT in his nature.)

Yes, I'm in desperate need of patience.  *Sigh*

The words from my favorite talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland rings in my ears:

"It is simply a truism that nothing very valuable can come without significant sacrifice and effort and patience on our part....

Troilus, whose impatient love for Cressida makes him something of a basket case, teaches us a valuable lesson. 
“He that will have a cake out of the wheat must tarry the grinding,” Pandarus says to Troilus. 
“Have I not tarried?” Troilus pouts.

Pandarus: Ay, the grinding; but you must tarry the bolting.

Troilus: Have I not tarried?

Pandarus: Ay, the bolting; but you must tarry the leavening.

Troilus: Still have I tarried?

Pandarus: Ay, to the leavening; but here’s yet . . . the kneading, the making of the cake, the heating of the oven, and the baking; nay, you must stay the cooling too, or you may chance to burn your lips.

[Troilus and Cressida, act 1, scene 1, lines 14ff]

The baking of life’s best cakes takes time. Don’t despair of tarrying and trying. And don’t “burn your lips” with impatience."  - Jeffery R. Holland - (However Long and Hard the Road)

It is true, the best things take time.  I can pray for patience but the Lord cannot give it to me.  Patience is not something to be given but to be grown.  However, He can give me experiences that will help me cultivate this wonderful virtue.  I'll admit that some of the experiences He gives are extremely painful.  It makes sense though," no pain / no gain." A blessing I've discovered is that the Lord can enable me to feel grateful in the present moments, the waiting isn't so hard and time goes by so much faster when "I'm anxiously engaged in [the best] causes."

Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained in a powerful talk "Endure It Well",
"Paul observed, “Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness.” (Heb. 12:11.) Such “peaceable fruit” comes only in the appointed season thereof, after the blossoms and the buds.

Otherwise, if certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change. (See Alma 32:13–16.)

Patient endurance is to be distinguished from merely being “acted upon.” Endurance is more than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to “act for ourselves” by magnifying what is allotted to us. (See Alma 29:3, 6.)"

We must always remember that we are in the process of becoming something so much more.  We must make a strong effort to "give thanks in all things" and avoid becoming bitter when the road is long. We press ahead, and we do so with songs of praise every step of the way.

"Therefore, true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z. To endure in faith and doeth God’s will. (See D&C 63:20; D&C 101:35) therefore involves much more than putting up with a circumstance." - Neal A. Maxwell

I believe that circumstances don't determine our happiness rather the truly happy make a conscious decision to choose happiness regardless of their circumstances.  And I believe the key to this is enduring faith and gratitude.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.

I am truly thankful for all the Lord gives me so that I may grow patience.  I know the fruit born of it will be that of the sweetest kind and it will be well worth the wait. Isaiah 40:31

-Alicia